My leader is someone I don’t want to follow

‘Death is just a bridge from one realm to another’- my godmother

There is one person I always think of when I hear the word ‘leader’. My godmother. My godmother, Monika, I’ve never got to know because she died a few months after I was born. She was only 19.

Growing up, I believed I was destined to continue to live her life. My grandmother and my mom always told me I looked like her. My dreams and passions were like hers. We had the same personality. We both had the same mental health issues. And I don’t blame them. We looked alike. If she were alive, we could be twins.

In hindsight, she was my role model back then. And I still wish I could talk to her and get to know her. All my memories of her are in the shape of faded photographs. I believe she would be my best friend if she were still here. But even though life separated us, she became my leader.

She suffered from severe depression most of her life. There was a time when all her hair fell out because of the constant stress she felt from being bullied. It got to her. I remember when my mom told me about the night she found a goodbye letter on the table in the hallway. She told me how she remembered hearing Monika leaving the house in the night, thinking she only went for a walk, how she used to do. And I remember how my mom remembered hearing her sister coming home, but she never did.

I remember how my grandmother told me about getting the police phone call at midnight. I remember how she told me how they were able to identify her body only because of her orange jacket. The rest of her was scattered within a 2-mile distance on the train tracks. But I can’t even imagine what they must have felt when they opened the blue sack in the morgue. I can’t imagine seeing someone you love torn into a thousand small pieces like they were nothing but a piece of paper. But I can imagine the words ‘heartbreak and absolute devastation’ don’t even scratch the surface.

All my life I was convinced my life would end in my 19th year. I started to develop depression when I was 14. And on my 17th year, I tried to commit suicide. Only when I was at the deep rock bottom drowning, I started to breathe. It hit me like lightning. I knew right there and then that I wasn’t her. And that I could not follow in her footsteps. I started to think about my mom. How could I cause so much pain to someone I love the most.

To this day, I see the pain in my family’s eyes whenever we go light a candle on her resting place. And I can’t help but cry. Funny, how you can feel so much pain for someone, even though you didn’t really meet them. But I believe the family will always be family. With or without getting to know them. And I guess it’s true that suicide doesn’t end the pain but it just passes it on to someone else.

She showed me how life is after suicide. She showed me how much pain and hopelessness it causes. How it passes from generation to generation. My grandparents lost their daughter. My mom lost her sister. And I lost my godmother but I found a true leader. Because she taught me to be myself. To never live the expectations and dreams of others. She taught me to never give up.

And for all this, she is the leader I admire the most.