THE 7TH FLOOR
WARNING: Not suitable for sensitive hearts.
I’ve got to know many beautiful souls throughout my life. Many I’ve lost and many I keep in touch with. But there’s always someone, who will carve themselves into your heart. And you will carry them with you, long after they’re gone.
In my case, it was Nina. I met her when I was hospitalized for the first time in a psychiatric ward. She was the girl that hugged me the very first second I stepped into that broken place. ‘I know how scary it is the first time. That’s why I give every new patient a hug when they come in. So they don’t feel alone,’ she told me right after the hug. She was my roommate. Although she was 2 years younger than me, she was far ahead of her age. Because of my shyness, I always had a hard time making friends. But with her it was simple.
I spent 3 weeks with her in a closed space. One long hallway, one thick glass door no one could escape through. We couldn’t go out. We could only feel the fresh air on our skin through tiny, barbed wired windows. The psychiatric ward was on the 7th floor, which was the very last one. Hardly anyone ever visited there. It was a depressing place. Old communist building with an even more communist interior. It was no wonder why so many patients killed themselves there. And why hardly anyone got better. Mind you, this ward was only for kids and adolescents. Ages 4 — 19.
In this kind of place, you’re only a number. Sounds like a prison? Well, it kinda is. They assign you a number once you get your diagnosis. You have to wear a plastic bracelet with your name and date of birth written on it. Once, they put it on you, it cannot be taken off. You have to cut it with scissors. They also write the letters ‘KDP’ on it (The Clinic of Childhood Psychiatry), just in case someone would escape. Next to the hospital is a police station so the chance to escape is very low.
No, this is not some version of a Hollywood movie, this is the reality. Psychiatric hospitals are far scarier and traumatic than what you see in the blockbuster films. It’s not glamorous. It’s not fun. And it’s nothing that should be idolized.
However, the kids I met there were the most normal, thoughtful and compassionate human beings. But we were all treated like animals. ‘Eat, you monkeys,’ these were the head nurse’s favourite words. You may think I’m biased. To be honest, I wish I was. This was a completely different world. It had its own rules.
I was there for a month. I really thought I would lose all my sanity in there. I've never been more petrified. It was a living nightmare. No phone to call home, no music, no communication with the outside world. I was there when one boy slit his wrists with a window blinds in front of little kids. Don’t think that’s possible? He had to have 10 stitches. So yeah, it’s possible. When you want to self-harm, you always find a way to do it.
And I was also there when Nina lost it. We were having a morning checkup. All the staff, the doctors and patients were gathered in a small communal area with black couches. I was sitting next to Nina when it happened. She bit into her hand and ate her own flesh. I still remember that screeching sound of strong teeth sinking deeper and deeper into her skin. And I hear it every time I think about it. There’s not a sound in the world I could compare it to. My mind went completely blank. She had many holes in her hands and arms but they were all healed when I saw them. They looked like little burns.
What was more shocking to me, was that no one did anything. ‘It’s just one of her anxiety attacks,’ her doctor said. After the meeting, she went back to our room and ripped out big chunks of her hair. They told us to leave her alone so she could calm down. ‘It’s nothing new,’ she said after. I’ve never seen such emotionless, empty eyes as hers.
She was discharged the day after because they said they couldn't help her and she needed to be admitted into an adult psychiatric ward. That was the place where suicide was on a daily basis. I remember the last thing she told me. I hugged her and she said, ‘I’ll see you when you get out.’ But she never did. Because she committed suicide that year.
