The Knowledge of my Unidentified Condition
“Seeking and utilizing knowledge carries danger as well as benefits. Our realization of the knowledge that governs the laws of nature gives the human race supremacy. Increased bulk of knowledge about how to manipulate nature obviously has its benefits but also has its darker sides.” (Ragnarsson, 2001)
In late 2011, I noticed something strange. My right leg started behaving in a bizarre manner. Whenever I walked in socks or barefoot, I felt my foot not making contact with the ground properly. This was indeed a mystery, initially I thought I might have what is commonly known as ‘foot drop. Making two visits to the doctor, they were unable to diagnose the problem, but suggested wearing more supportive footwear (which I did) and the additional option of seeing a physiotherapist. Over the next couple of months, the problem began to subside and everything seemed fine.
Or so I thought.
In late February-early March 2012, the disorder flared up again. Now it was beginning to affect my left leg too. They both felt stiff and slightly numb. Desperate to find out what the hell this was, I made another doctor appointment. Again, another unsuccessful diagnosis. This time however, they recommended taking a blood test to find out for sure. So I booked a test. A week later, I heard the outcome. Nothing had been detected. I made an appointment for another test. Some weeks later, my results came back as ‘normal.’
“Nuclear physicists know about the dual uses of their research, which can provide nuclear power and inspire nuclear medicine. It can also be used for making weapons of mass destruction.” (Connor, 2011).
So that was it? No sudden explanation at all? I had to just live with this mystery condition for the rest of my life? While my walking started to improve, there were times when my legs would start to feel heavy and (occasionally) wobbly. This resorted me to dragging. Despite this, I still managed to stand and keep on going.
Over the next two years, the problem remained with me. Moving around, my legs ached and wobbled. Even in bed, at night I would often wake up and they felt completely numb and stiff. My personal and social life were greatly affected, I couldn’t bring myself to tell anybody about this. When I felt that this ailment beginning to ‘take its toll’ on me, I retreated into a corner.
In May 2015, something ‘miraculous’ happened. I felt my legs functioning properly again. I was able to move around with no shoes on just fine. This came as a relief to me, thinking that this condition, whatever it was had vanished into thin air. However, there was another problem that I was currently battling. Over the last year, my head had been going crazy, plagued with disturbing thoughts and visions and unpleasant symbols.
These would occur at any random time, even when I was walking somewhere. An image or thought would suddenly just come along and hit me. It would stick and I would feel very uneasy and ‘veer off course’ when moving. Now and then, when I detect a disturbing thought, image, or symbol sneaking up on me, I envision subjects such as a sandstorm or a cartoon scuffle. These help to confuse the nasty visions so that they are unable to find their way out.
In 2019, my legs problem returned, yet again. This was a nightmare that was clearly never going to go away. The condition had somehow deteriorated, as I found it very difficult to balance. Whenever I walked, I had to ‘push’ my lower legs back to maintain proper balance. As I did this, I could feel pain searing through. I took decisive action and made an appointment with a physiotherapist.
Their conclusion was that my calf muscles had tightened. I agreed to do a few exercise sessions to help stretch them a bit. After only three sessions though, I quit, with the fear that the physio may only do more serious damage. This left them as they are currently.
A year later, Covid hit, and I found myself (like everyone else) indoors and sitting, instead of outdoors and walking. I managed to get out for walks now and then. However, I have a tendency to walk long distances at a very quick pace and my legs would soon begin to get very tired and the lead weight feeling returned. As a result, my walking confidence felt shaken.
Between the ages of 14–22, I had an enviable figure, very tall and lean. I enjoyed playing sports when I was younger, particularly basketball. I did physical activities such as running and swimming. This mystery disease has made me feel short and more or less robbed me of the ability to do those things. An on-off gym-goer too, I have heavily avoided going back there, with the fear that strenuous exercise will only weaken my legs further.
Too frightened to make any more doctor’s appointments, I have constantly searched online, in an attempt to ‘self-diagnose’ my problem. Various suggestions have come up, such as arthritis and multiple sclerosis. However, I remain uncertain that it could be either of those or any related conditions. Now and then, the condition ‘hides’ itself, usually when I am out walking with others. I fear that it will not be too long though before my legs decide to give up permanently.
References:
Connor, S. (2011). The quest for knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Available at: https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/steve-connor-quest-knowledge-can-be-dangerous-thing-6279475.html
Ragnarsson, G. (2001). Rapid Response: Potential danger of knowledge. Available at: https://www.bmj.com/rapid-response/2011/10/28/potential-danger-knowledge
