What I wish I had known before

There are many important life lessons that spring to mind, but one is prevalent above the others. One that has impacted my life powerfully and left me emotionally scarred and trapped. It has to do with disobedience, but I was not a Christian then. I could say I didn’t know any better but that would be untrue. Deep down I always knew it was wrong to have sex before marriage. The world whispers: It’s just a bit of fun, everyone is doing it, this is the way to acceptance and love. So, I did. For a time I was happy. But deep down there was a knowing, a knowing that it was not right.

You can never truly know the heart of a person. Dating is deceptive. People put their best versions of themselves forward. There is no way of knowing who they really are behind their pleasant smiles and aftershave, but there is one who can. Our creator. The one who’s eyes pierce the flesh and see the thought life and heart state of everyone. Had I known this I may have been spared the agony of my biggest mistake.

While in the army I met a man, an acting corporal, loved by his team, funny, intelligent. As soon as was met there was a spark. We quickly became close. I followed in the footsteps of many clichés and we whirlwinded into a relationship. Within six weeks we were living together and within three years we had two children. The beginning of the relationship was perfect. He loved me and I was too naïve to care about anything else, but as time went on little red flags began to pop up. Only a few small ones, easy to ignore. More time passed and there were a few more red flags. I ignored those too. Too scared to rock the boat I allowed controlling behaviour to creep into our relationship. I sometimes wonder, if I had stood against his ill behaviour would things have been different? No point wondering now. After six years our relationship broke down and I left. A relief for me, but in war there are always casualties.

My two boys were left confused and scarred by the separating of their parents. For years I had to watch them cry because Friday was approaching, and they were going to be leaving their mother for another week. In the meantime, I watched the father of my children marry another woman while I remained a single parent. I was trapped in that town on a hamster wheel of week on and week off parenting. The years were hard and lonely, but in my loneliness, God drew close to me. He whispered to me. ‘My daughter, I love you.’ He walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death and I learnt that God knows what He’s talking about. God knew Harry, the real Harry who was lurking beneath his pleasant façade. God could see the pit upon whose edge I was teetering. Had I known God then and heeded his advice things may be different, but then, youngsters can be headstrong in love so perhaps not.

So, what do I wish I had known before? I have no doubt that had I told Harry I didn’t do sex before marriage he would have quickly lost interest in me and I and my children would have been spared the agony of family break down, but further than that, what I wish I had known before was of Gods goodness in its entirety. He’s not some angry man in the sky. Everything he tells us to do is for our own benefit and protection. If we take His advice, we are setting ourselves up for our best lives possible.