What I wish I knew before I got married…
8 Mistakes to learn for a better relationship (PG 18)
Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a young lady who had an education based upon traditional values, patriarchy, romanticism, fairy stories, non-constructive criticism and very little previous experience.
She dreamed of the day where a very handsome, well-endowed, strong, intelligent, muscular and financially stable man would come and whisk her away on a beautiful white horse off into the sunset and fulfil her every wish by sprinkly fairy dust over everything; provide comfortable cuddles in bed on cold nights and one day give her the optimal opportunity to procreate their offspring together. Her ladyship adored the idea of writing books and having the dog come to sit on the sofa next to her while her prince was at work. Just the simplicity of being able to tell the maid how the house runs and expecting the butler to not delay upon her request for a cup of earl grey tea.
She wanted to be the princess in the ivory and golden castle complete with pink furnishings and chandeliers for ceiling lights. Her fantasy she knew she may have to compromise from minor details such as the quality of her engagement ring, the budget that they had for the wedding or the fact that he never really did propose properly without her initiation at all…
Mistake #1:
Learn all the time, listen properly and lay down the law.
The size of your husband's penis is not equal to the size of his wallet, intelligence, knowledge, experience or social etiquette. It is literally just that.
A big penis.
Nobody teaches them how to use it, when to use it or whether or not it actually has the ability to have more than one function aside from creating a mess in the bathroom that later on the lady may feel obliged to clean up if she hasn’t got a job that brings home money.
“You pissed on the seat again! This is disgusting! Can you not even lift the seat?!” … “Oh, for god sake cut me some slack I’ve just got home from work!” “You may have a job, that doesn’t mean I have to sit on your urine!”
That’s the sort of thing you may end up saying to each other if the rules are not established first. Learn from your partner and be prepared to work as a team. You are fighting for, not with one another. If you don’t understand their viewpoint ask them nicely what it is without raising your voice and assess both of your needs.
Mistake #2:
The nitty-gritty truths and details.
Just because you are married to someone does not give you the right to do whatever you want, whenever you want and expect the other person to pick up your clothes from the floor or pick up the pieces of your financial mishaps. Neither does it mean you can assume that the other person is fully committed. You may have a gold ring…but do you really have their heart enough to be completely honest about everything?
Regular communication about the current state of your personal and financial affairs without having exactly the same discussion you had yesterday is hard work but it needs to be done. You cannot think to yourself that you will no longer need to learn about your partner because you just so happen to share the same space and bedding of an evening. You’re married. It’s just begun.
It’s not over til the fat lady sings. Be prepared to get fat together if you’re not sharing enough light-hearted and fresh conversations with one another on a regular basis. It’s not ideal and I personally do not recommend that you eat the entire contents of Sainsbury's frozen aisle but eventually you’ll both see the side effects of not keeping your relationship fresher than the milk in your fridge. Be content with experimenting and trying new things.
Mistake #3:
Sacrifice and the self.
Stop thinking that you’re not attractive. Your spouse may not compliment you in unique ways anymore but believe it or not… You are the sexiest you have ever been and you know why?
You are now forbidden fruit. Possibly one of the most desired exotic rarities in the jungle. Do not suppress your needs for the benefit of your partners' needs. Agree to meet both of your needs together. It’s actually far more likely that they will want to know what your needs are if they change frequently. Which by the way… They do… I loved the colour green last month, now I favour yellow for example, and so it goes. The beauty of being together for an extended period of time is being able to grow together like roses on the same plot of land.
Go ahead, bask in the oneness of carving out time for yourself at the gym, having the occasional night out with your friends (and not coming home too late without having a prior conversation with your other half) or doing the shopping alone and being checked out by the shop assistant.
You are still a person in your own right. They should respect that and if they don’t then you may both need to consider speaking with a counsellor to help get things back on track. It’s not as scary as you think it is, once you are in the room with the professional.
Your S.O. chose you, hopefully for who you are…they didn’t choose to marry themselves. They wanted you. BE YOU. If you need help finding out what exactly that is, then there are plenty of sources and questions available online to start building your profile or users manual as I like to call it.
Personal development never stops either. That’s the frustrating, crazy and exciting bit!
Mistake #5:
Core values and resilience to change.
If you’ve sat here reading this and are still completely baffled by everything that has been said then are you ready to commit to the relationship style you have both agreed to on the understanding that you take them for everything that they are as well as may become?
Failure doesn’t exist. Only education and progression do.
Maybe one of you is kinkier than the other or maybe you are of a different sexual orientation and socioeconomic background. Are you prepared to accept your differences while changing, and still be able to tell the whole truth when the moon flickers on the ocean as you go for a quiet midnight walk?
Ask yourself if you have the same values and expectations (what are their political views? for example). Ask them this well before you go ahead and start creating an indent on your finger that is highly noticeable. If your ideals do not match, what do you both have to offer the relationship in the long run?
Mistake #6:
Are you truly happy and in love?
Do you still get excited every time you think of them, see a photo of them or hear their voice even after a few years of being together? You could be in love …or you could be ill but either way, they are pretty much the same thing. One is just more enjoyable and preferable to the other.
Happiness should be defined by you and it might be a good idea to check with your Dear Wife or Husband-to-be if it means the same thing to them as it does to you.
This marrying business is not a death sentence and it shouldn’t feel like you are obliged to partake either. If someone is pressuring you, whether that be themselves, friends, family, potential in-laws or colleague's, ask yourself and them what it is that makes them think the way they do strongly enough to be pushy towards you.
If you are not happy or feel confused by them then it’s probably better to take some time out and think things through carefully first before racking up a minimum expense of £1,000 in relationship fees. Consider a week away on holiday on your own first or a few nights with just you and your family.
Are things not working out and you’ve tried all options? Maybe best to say goodbye when saying goodnight. The longer the wait, the worse it gets.
Mistake #7:
Independence. You both need it.
I remember sitting in the bath the night before my wedding thinking ‘this is the beginning of the end’. It was then that I realised something…
I hadn’t done everything that I wanted to do on my own yet and in order to accomplish my dreams and my goals, it would mean I would have to divorce and live a completely separate life because he didn’t want to do the same things as me. Thankfully we didn’t have children together or I’d have to kiss goodbye to everything that I have now and want to obtain in the future due to not being able to afford childcare or have the time to take care of everything myself.
Always put water on the sand before you build a castle together. Strong foundations build a stronger castle that’s less likely to get kicked over. Have both of you lived independently yet without the aid of an institution, parents or family? This is a HUGE one because it tests literally everything you’ve both ever known about adulting and helps in the formation of how you deal with complicated situations, together and on your own while the other person is away.
If you can’t tell yourself that you can handle everything on your own, then think of ways to make sure that you are able to deal with their issues as well as yours should they fall ill or you are separated somehow. Hubby or Wifey is supposed to be just like having a wingman/woman or a backup plan to your own life.
Mistake #8:
Trust. Something you can’t have too much of or too little.
Have you been drunk together in a different country yet? Can you trust them to not leave your side and be there for you when you need them the most? Life throws many challenges our way and your unit has to have the ability to combat these challenges with enthusiasm and vigour. Attempting to avoid conflict or actively solve issues in a constructive and empathic manner with good timing considered is often over-looked but it’s just as important as getting a health check at the doctor's.
Have you got a plan B? Make sure you have your own separate bank account that your partner does not have access to alongside having a joint account where you can both sort out your finances as a couple. Hopefully, you have both sorted out who pays what and got yourselves an emergency escape fund each to help you get out of a dodgy situation, should either of you get stuck somewhere or need to leg it.
Now that you’ve read this. You will be more prepared to go against the odds ❤
You’ve got this, you’re a power team!!!
GL and as always,
Ciao cariños x
