Can I be bothered?
Trigger warning: Suicide, Depression, Self-harm.
At the moment my life consists of sadness. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy — if anything, I’m at the happiest point I’ve ever been at in my life. I’m living with the love of my life and am happily engaged. I have the most wonderful friends who support me through everything. I’m closer with my family than I've ever had the chance to be. On paper, I’m the textbook definition of ‘happiness’. Yet I’m severely depressed.
2015
I developed clinical depression when I turned 15. It all started with a bad case of being bullied and just escalated from there. I started staying home, not eating, sleeping all day, self-harming… I was utterly lost. Eventually the bullying stopped, lucky right? The depression should just leave with it too? Sadly, life doesn’t work that way. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this right now.
6 years later…
and I’m shockingly still alive. Much to the dismay of my four suicide attempts. I’ve been on the medication Fluoxetine since I was around 17 — I’ll probably have to be on it for the rest of my life. It does help, but it's not a miracle worker.
I’m nowhere near as suicidal as I was all those years ago. Nor have I self-harmed for over a year and a half :) — It’s all about the small achievements. But, I do still struggle with my intrusive thoughts every single day. Even though I’m smiling, they are still right there, nit-picking at my every move. A tiny voice begging for me to cut my arm with the knife I’m holding, instead of the mushrooms I’m chopping for dinner. A tiny voice telling me to drink the disinfectant, instead of cleaning my shelves with it. A tiny voice insisting that I should go find the razor blades my fiancée has hidden from me.
I’m exhausted.
Although I have made so much progress, when I have a bad day it feels like nothing has changed at all. It’s very demotivating. It makes me think; “Why am I even bothering? Is it even worth all my effort?”. The answer my mind tells me is no, when I know it should be a yes. When your mind tells you these things, it isolates you from the rest of the world. You feel completely alone, ashamed, frightened. I felt that I couldn’t speak to anyone; my friends wouldn't understand and neither would my family. Or so I thought.
March 2021
My uncle passed away from committing suicide.
I remember getting the phone call from my mum and hearing the utter heartbreak within her voice. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think. I didn’t understand. Then I broke down in tears, sobbing into my fiancée’s arms.
Me and my uncle weren’t that close. We shared hugs and smiles on birthdays and on Christmas. Got into the occasional political debate, small talk conversations about life; and one of the last things I remember — Oasis. I had just got a new record player and for Christmas he bought me What’s The Story Morning Glory? At the time I didn’t show my appreciation for it as much as I should have. I absolutely loved it. And I loved him.
I always thought we never had much in common, but really that’s not true. If only we had talked more, maybe we could have opened up about our sadness together. We were more alike than either of us realised, except he succeeded.
Seeing my families reaction to my uncles death was eye opening. Thinking “that really could have been me”. It made me feel sick. Something that I had wanted so badly, something that had seemed so perfect and easy in my mind. Now displayed in front of me — the reality. Some of the things my family said, the ignorance about suicide, it was baffling. It hurt.
You would have thought my suicidal thoughts would stop, knowing the pain his death caused me and our loved ones, but no. They doubled. Making me wish it was me and not him, wanting to take his pain away, wanting to go with him. At the end of the day, me committing suicide wouldn't help him, me or anybody. Staying here, putting up a fight and living for the both of us. That’s what I can do.
Now…
I continue to fight even though I can’t be bothered. I fight for him and for me. For a better world where depression doesn’t take so many lives. I will fight through every disgustingly dark day that ever comes my way, even if I don't think I can.
For him…
My Wonderwall
