Falling In Love
As a young girl, whenever I thought about falling in love, I imagined it being with a woman. All of the fairy-tale bullshit, but the princesses live happily ever after together instead. Who needs a prince? Love seemed so easy as a child. That blissful ignorance to heartbreak and having no idea what’s to come.
My first girlfriend — I was 17, she was the ‘love of my life’ or so I thought. It was a kind of love that can’t ever truly be explained. One where I hated that I loved her, yet I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t true love, I know that now. Our relationship was a toxic fuelled bomb that had been ticking for two years before it finally imploded, destroying us both in the process. We were both young, a lot of mistakes were made and we weren't right together. I shit talked her for years after we ended, our relationship had traumatised me and broken my heart down to dust. Yet — I still ‘loved’ her.
It wasn’t the kind of love that you see in fairy-tales or rom-coms, we weren’t soulmates or twin flames. Simply two girls who were young and naive, best friends who fell for each-other, gave it a shot and it didn’t work out. So, no. She isn’t the love of my life, but she was important. She had a huge role in my teenage years and was ultimately my rock— if you’re out there, you sucked sometimes but I appreciated you.
The ending of a relationship is something nobody warns you about when you’re young. I was left distraught for years. I really thought I would never fall in love again and that I had lost my only chance. In my head I had kissed goodbye to my beautiful fairy-tale ending. Little did I know it was still waiting for me.
3/12/19 — Becca and I had our first conversation. It’s so weird when you look back on these (at the time) really insignificant events, when really, they can change your life. If I hadn’t of replied to her message that day, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing a blog about falling in love. Because without her, I wouldn’t know what love truly is.
After that first conversation the rest flowed naturally. We went on tons of dates, texted all the time, face-timed every evening — I knew I really liked this girl. We were moving at a very fast pace, but, you know what they say about lesbians… (we all move pretty damn quickly). So, before I knew it, I was meeting her parents for the first time.
7/2/20 — The day I fell in love, for real this time. I remember getting on the train in my best outfit, chugging little cans of alcohol because of how nervous I was. If her parents didn’t like me then… I hate to even think. I also had the added pressure of meeting her sausage dogs — “If the sausages don’t like you then we are going to have a serious problem, their approval is more important than my parents”. I laughed until realising she was absolutely serious.
Luckily, I’m absolutely amazing with dogs and won them over instantly with the new toys I bought to sweeten them up. The super hard part was over, but I still had to spend the evening impressing her parents. We had planned to go out for dinner and to the casino. Dinner went well, I got into light conversations with both her mum and dad, we all laughed and had a great time. The casino ended up being a super funny experience and I really bonded with her mum. I ended up staying the night, falling asleep wrapped in Becca’s arms and cuddled up with a silly little sausage dog.
The next morning it was time for me to get the train back home. Becca stood with me on the platform whilst I waited. We couldn’t stop smiling at each other, giddy over how well the previous night had gone (so well in fact, her mum invited me on holiday with the family that same morning we woke up). I was truly happy, for the first time in a really long time. I kissed Becca goodbye and got on my train. I waved one last time before we started moving, popping my headphones in and playing ‘Used to This — Camila Cabello’.
The whole journey home all I could do was smile whilst reliving the last nights events in my head. My soul felt so full and happy. I felt safe. The butterflies in my stomach were finally there again. After years of guarding my heart, years of toxicity and hatred, I finally felt ready to let go. I knew she would be there to catch me. I knew she would never hurt me. I could feel every word of the song pulsing through my veins — Its gonna take me a minute, but I could get used to this…
I had fallen deeply in love.
As of right now — 9/11/21…
I’m sitting in our mobile home (which Becca and I renovated over the summer), watching over our new puppy (who we've just rescued), happily engaged (for almost a year now). I’m still ever so deeply in love with her and the world we’ve created together. And I can’t wait to be for the rest of my life.
The princesses do fall in love in the end… and we do get to live happily ever after.
