Knowledge is a dangerous thing
My stalker is now a vicar in my local community!
I could consider selling this story to Take a Break Magazine
Twenty-three years ago for nearly two years of my life, I had a stalker. I always thought this sort of thing only happened to the rich and famous but it really doesn't. In fact, more than 80,000 incidents of stalking were recorded by the police last year (2020) in England and Wales. Despite the pandemic, this figure has risen from 27,156 in 2019. That's a huge increase of 52,844 in a year. Although 80,000 cases of stalking were reported to the police not even half that number resulted in an arrest.
Not much has changed it seems in the past 23 years. I reported my stalker to the police after it had been going on for roughly six months as it had started to affect my mental health. I was told until he had physically harmed me in some way, there was nothing they could do. I was advised to speak with a solicitor and get an injunction out on him. This was also a fruitless task as I was told they are not worth the paper they are printed on. The police rarely enforce them because they can't arrest someone for standing too close to someone if they haven't been physically abusive in some way.
As a young woman of 20/21 when it first began it was a very frightening experience. The man in question was a neighbour of mine. He lived on the opposite corner to my flat. I would have to pass his flat to either walk to work or go to the local shop. I remember the first time I acknowledged him (but found out, later on, he had been watching me for nearly a year before we had ever spoken) it was the summer at the time and he used to sit out on his front steps in the sun. I would walk by and he would say hello. Being polite and friendly, I would say hello back and go on my way. Nothing felt untoward at that time just a friendly exchange between neighbours.
I would often bump into him in my local town too and again, at first I didn't think anything of it. But slowly over time, things started to feel not quite right, yet I convinced myself it was all just a harmless coincidence. On many occasions when I was meeting up with a friend from work, he would suddenly appear in the local coffee bar and find a reason to come sit near us. After a few occasions, he would include himself in our conversations. It didn't feel threatening or awkward so we would all just chat over coffee.
Then things started to get a little weird. I would come home from being out or at work and there were gifts left on my doorstep. with no clue as to who had left them there. I lived with my boyfriend at the time and at first thought, it was him who had brought me something nice but when he was just as surprised as I was, I soon realised it wasn't him. It took a while for the penny to drop who they were actually from. I realised slowly that all the gifts that were arriving were things I had mentioned in the chats he had included himself in at the cafe. Or he had steered the conversation towards things I liked. Using the little knowledge he had of me to his advantage.
Yes, part of me was flattered at first but then things started to get uncomfortable. It was causing me issues within my relationship too. Although my boyfriend knew I wasn't being and hadn’t been unfaithful, he still found it very frustrating. I confronted the man and told him to stop as I was in a relationship. He told me it was because he cared and liked to surprise me, make me smile. I tried to tell him I didn't appreciate the gifts anymore and he needed to listen to me. He didn't.
Instead of taking my words onboard, he stepped it up a gear instead. A drum kit turned up at my flat because briefly in conversation in the cafe I had mentioned I’d always wanted to learn. He heard me play Bob Marley a lot from my flat in the summer, so a book all about Bob Marley arrived. He knew I liked elephants so an elephant statue arrived and it had an elephant necklace around its neck. He had even gone as far as to have A 4 J engraved into it. He knew I went clubbing because he was able to see my comings and goings from his flat window. He would turn up in the club and just stand at the bar watching. Then one night he saw a friend of mine out in the club and convinced her whilst she was drunk that I’d given him my phone number but he had lost his phone so she gave him my number. Sometimes I would get up to 150 messages a day after that.
On my 21st birthday, I had to work but my friends came around and decorated the front door of my building as a surprise for when I got home. He had obviously seen and rushed out to say happy birthday to me when I got home. Again I asked for him to stop with the barrage of messages and gifts to which he threw a bottle of expensive perfume into my arms and stormed off. After a drink fueled evening, my boyfriend, friends and I all headed back to my flat, I saw him watching as I went inside. Not long after I got a text to say he had attempted suicide. Then he rang me telling me he was scared and wasn't ready to die and to call him an ambulance, that if he was going to die he needed to see me before he went he told me he loved me and that he could make me happy. I told him if he truly wanted me to be happy he should leave me alone and I put the phone down. I won't lie part of me felt like ignoring him and all this would stop if I didn't call an ambulance. I knew the guilt would be too much though so I rang an ambulance and switched off my phone.
Shortly after all of this, my boyfriend and I parted ways and I moved. I got a new phone number and felt like I could relax once more, knowing he didn't know where I was now living and I had also started a new job. However, this joy was to be short-lived. One evening I was standing outside my new flat waiting for my taxi to work and he drove by. I hoped he hadn't seen me or wouldn't realise this was where I was now living. The next night I was waiting for my taxi again but inside the doorway this time just in case but when the taxi arrived when I went to get in I saw his car on the other side of the road. He had found me once again. Had he seen me before I had seen him? Had he known where I was before I had seen him that first night?
He let me know he had seen me a little while later when Valentine's day arrived. My downstairs neighbour alerted me to a large amount of post I had received, curious I went to see what it was all about. There, waiting for me was 12 red roses, 12 valentines cards and an elephant made out of dark red and white carnations. My mum rang me to say a parcel had arrived at hers addressed to me too. I told her to open it as I hadn’t ordered anything and it was an oil painting of my face and on the back a lengthy poem about the love of his life. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. How did he know where my mum lived? When I eventually saw the painting I realised it was the same photo that was on the passport photo that I’d had done, but my passport had never arrived. I could never be sure but somehow I think he had found my passport when it was delivered to my old address and taken it.
After a while, all this had started to affect my mental health. I was worried to go anywhere in case he turned up. I felt nervous and as if I was always being watched. I cried or got angry more often, I was frustrated. The police were unable to help and I felt completely alone. I had tried so many times to appeal to his conscience to leave me alone. Despite the fact that in his head he felt like he was in love with me and he saw his behaviour as a way of showing me how much he loved me. He felt justified and that he was being romantic. I tried so many times to say it wasn't normal and how upsetting I found it all but he just wouldn't have it.
Eventually, by sheer coincidence one of my friends happened to be on a job he was on at a mutual friend of theirs house. He had a “little word” in his ear and just like that it all stopped. I was so relieved when I realised it was over with. I still see him about in my local area but he doesn't frighten me anymore. He did cause me anxiety for many years after and I would avoid places he was if I saw him around.
Ironically he has become a vicar for some new-age church and I’ve had to endure his presence as he gave the service at a few funerals I’ve attended. I still ignored him though. even if others have found that to be rude but then they don't know the history. What is even less surprising to me is that he has been accused twice of sexual harassment and attempted rape but cleared both times. I wish I had known as I would have reminded the police of my reports of his inappropriate behaviour and it might have helped towards the other girl's cases.
This isn’t half of what he put me through. He impacted my life and my relationships and convinced people that I once held dear that it was me that was causing the trouble which made everything even more stressful. It has taken me a long time to let all of it go and learn to trust people again.
All this went on way before social media so I dread to think how easy it is for people with the tendency to stalk in today's modern world. You have to be so careful what you choose to share on social media and how much you put out there. I am a naturally chatty person and see the good in everyone. As the years have gone by I have started to notice red flags in peoples behaviour a lot earlier on and I am much more guarded. I have realised though that knowledge is a dangerous thing if it falls into the wrong hands.
Relevant websites/ Helplines
National Stalking Helpline 0808 802 0300
Monday to Friday 9:30 am-4 pm except Wednesdays 1–4 pm
