‘Never could I have imagined the heartache and suffering I would endure in my pursuit of…

Published in

Clippings Autumn 2021

10 min readNov 14, 2021

‘Never could I have imagined the heartache and suffering I would endure in my pursuit of motherhood’.

Throughout my childhood I was surrounded by babies and toddlers, hardly surprising since my mum was a childminder. I loved playing mum, imagining what it would be like to have my own children one day. I had no idea the years of disappointment and heartache that lay ahead before my dreams of motherhood were realised.

I was married and living abroad at the age of nineteen. My husband Mat was in the 3Rd Battalion of the Queens regiment stationed in Germany. The decision to try for a baby was made early into our marriage, both eager to become parents. Pregnancy tests were bought on a regular basis in the hope of a positive result. After a fruitless year of trying, we agreed to seek medical advice. According to NHS 84 out of every 100 couples will get pregnant within a year, statistically an average of 92% will conceive after one year and 98% after 2 years.

This is where my story begins…..

The first step is always to test the man’s sperm count for movement and shape.

Mat’s sperm count proved healthy, laying the cause of our infertility firmly at my door. I was prescribed the fertility drug ‘Clomid’ to induce ovulation. Every morning I would take my temperature, recording any rise to signify ovulation. Several exploratory operations were performed in an attempt to establish the course of my infertility. Finally, after several years of investigations, the fertility consultant gave us his diagnosis. ‘UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY’.

Tears of desperation and anger overwhelmed me, “Really 7 years of absolute hell and that’s the best you can come up with, what does unexplained even mean?” Unexplained infertility can be controversial since the prognosis is mainly based on a process of elimination. A full evaluation of both partners fertility needs to be performed. There’s no denying Mat and I had certainly been methodically investigated. The World Health Organisation reports approximately 48 million couples are living with infertility, but for us it felt like a solitary battle.

What’s Involved In An Infertility Investigation?

Investigations are intrusive and emotionally exhausting. Those untouched by infertility may have little understanding of what infertile couples endure in their pursuit of parenthood. My own exploration consisted of the following examinations.

: Hysteroscopy performed by means of a telescopic camera being inserted through the vagina and cervix to access the womb for any uterine fertility problems. Results: All Clear

: Regular blood tests to ascertain ovulation. Results: Regular Ovulation.

: A Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) carried out whereby Radiographic dye is injected into the uterine cavity via the vagina and cervix. The dye will overflow into the abdominal cavity if the tubes are not blocked. Results: All Clear

: An Antral Follicle count (AFC) performed via transvaginal ultrasound. The specialist looks at every ovary counting the number of follicles measuring between 2 and 10 mm. Results: Ovarian Reserves Good

After five years of living in Germany we returned to the UK. I was thankful to be Surrounded by family and friends, a much-needed boost to my depressive state of mind. Panic Attacks and Anxiety had replaced hopefulness and positivity. The obsession to become parents had taken over our lives, we desperately needed to step back and enjoy just being a couple. Mat was now a civilian providing stability for us both. I had secured a position supporting Visually Impaired children within a primary school. To the outside world we were happy and content except for the one thing that eluded us ‘A Baby’. We were openminded to adoption or fostering but ultimately, we yearned for our own child.

The likelihood of achieving a natural pregnancy was slowly fading. Invitro Fertilisation (IVF) seemed the only option. A report conducted by the NHS revealed the cost of one treatment cycle of IVF could cost around £5000. Many private clinics set their own price lists meaning prospective parents could be charged substantially more depending on the chosen clinic. Mat and I were in no position to fund our own treatment and were duly registered on the IVF waiting list at the Chaucer Hospital Canterbury. The National Institute For Health And Care Excellence (NICE) determine who should have access to NHS-funded IVF based on fertility guidelines. The recommendation stipulates women under the age of 43 who have been trying for a pregnancy for 2 years are eligible for IVF treatment. However, the ultimate decision regarding NHS-funded IVF lies with the local Clinical Commissioning Groups (CCGs) based on their stricter criteria. The waiting time for NHS funded IVF at this present time can be anything from 4 months to a year depending on the local (CCGs).

Invitro Fertilisation (IFV)

Our Passage To Parenthood

Within two years of being registered the CCGS had fast tracked me to the top of the IVF waiting list. I was now in my thirties and my biological clock was ticking. According to Elite I.V.F Global IVF Agency, the success rates for women aged between 35 to 37 achieving a pregnancy using their own eggs is 40.8%. Only 31.6% will result in a live birth based on the first embryo transfer. IVF is physically and emotionally challenging with no guarantee of a pregnancy let alone a live birth. The Chaucer Hospital referred us to Brompton Fertility Clinic in London, where the IVF procedure would take place. Mat and I were about to embark on a journey that would shape our lives for ever.

The IVF process is a meticulous sequence of steps which I followed painstakingly with hope in my heart.

: I Self injected Follicle stimulating hormones into my thighs forcing my body to produce more then one egg.

: I underwent Transvaginal ultrasounds and blood tests to monitor my ovaries and hormone levels.

: I Self injected a hormone the day before my egg retrieval to encourage my eggs to mature quickly.

: I endured a Follicular Aspiration surgical procedure to remove my eggs, whereby a needle with a suction is attached and guided by ultrasound into the vagina. Eggs are retrieved one at a time.

: During egg retrieval Mat gave a sperm sample which was analysed to determine the healthiest.

: My eggs and Mat’s sperm were combined. This stage is known as insemination.

: I was given medication to thicken the lining of my womb, in preparation for the transfer of three embryos.

: Five days later three embryos were implanted into my uterus using a catheter.

: The remaining unfertilized eggs were frozen by vitrification and stored in containers of liquid nitrogen at 196 degrees Celsius.

Nothing more could be done; we now had an agonising wait of two weeks before a pregnancy test would reveal whether the procedure had worked. The overwhelming urge to take an early pregnancy was unbearable but I stuck to the rules. On Tuesday 26th January 1999 our seventeenth wedding anniversary a positive test confirmed, ‘I was of pregnant’. Two weeks later a scan at Brompton Fertility clinic revealed one tiny heartbeat, our little baby boy.

The Months Passed In Joyful Anticipation

Mother’s Day held a special meaning with our little one growing inside me. This blissful state of being was soon to become our worst nightmare. I experienced a heavy bleed during the 5th month of my pregnancy, the follow up scan showed our baby alive and developing as normal. I was sent home to rest with regular follow up scans as a precaution. Over the next few weeks, I no longer felt the little kicks inside me. Deep down I knew something was wrong. During a routine scan the nurse called for a senior consultant who gave us the devastating news, our dearest longed-for baby had died. I remember uncontrollably howling with raw emotion. The following day I was booked into the maternity ward where a pain-free labour was induced. On 2nd July 1999 at 3pm our darling little boy Jordan Uddin Ullah was born. He was immediately whisked away to be cleaned up before we could spend time with him. There are no words to describe the anguish we both felt seeing our lifeless little boy. The hospital chaplain who was to perform the funeral two weeks later gave Jordan a blessing before he was taken away. I spent the night in a side room, my torture intensified by the cries of new-born babies in the maternity ward. I ached for my own baby but I promised myself this was not how our story was going to end. Next year it would be me lovingly nursing my baby. Whether I truly believed this or not I cannot say but I needed something to cling on to. A follow up appointment with our consultant revealed the placenta had detached from the wall of my uterus, our precious little boy had been starved of any life-giving nutrients. According to the NHS the cause of most still births is due to complications with the placenta. A still birth can only be recorded as such after 24 weeks of completed pregnancy. One in every two hundred births will result in a stillbirth in the UK each year.

Within a month I had returned to my role supporting Visually Impaired Children. I braved each day masking the true depth of my devastation. I perfected my reply to kind-hearted colleagues who asked how I was coping. ‘’Yes, I’m fine, absolutely fine’’. Except I was far from being fine, I was grieving for my baby.

Do We Have The Strength?

Two months after losing Jordan a letter arrived from Brompton Hospital inviting Mat and I to attend an appointment with the fertility consultant. Emotionally we were drained, questioning our strength to go through it all again.

Our Happy Ending……

The visits to Brompton Fertility Hospital were now a familiar part of our lives. With frozen embryos waiting to be thawed and transferred, we embarked on what would be our final attempt at becoming parents.

Hormone Regulated Cycle — Embryo Transfer

I was prescribed Oestrogen and Progesterone hormone tablets to thicken the lining of my womb. Three Embryos were thawed five days before the transfer. When the embryologist telephoned, I was a nervous wreck, but it was good news, my embryos had survived the thaw process. On 2nd November 1999 we journeyed up to Brompton clinic filled with excitement and fear. An abdominal scan enabled the embryologist to position the catheter with three embryos into my uterus via the vagina.

The Whole procedure only took 15 minutes before we were allowed to go home. I was to continue with the Oestrogen and Progesterone tablets whilst waiting to see whether the procedure had been successful and then for a further twelve weeks.

The Answer To Our Prayers

Two weeks later our prayers were answered with a positive pregnancy test. Excitement was intermingled with uncertainty and fear. Three weeks later a follow up scan revealed one tiny heartbeat, our baby girl. I was monitored closely with regular scans throughout my pregnancy. Finally, on Sunday 30th July 2000 at 4.20am Tamina May Ullah was delivered by caesarean section weighing 7lb.9oz. We were overcome with tears of joy, all the years of anguish, disappointment and bereavement had led to this moment.

Lying blissfully with my baby girl in my arms, I whispered a little pray for Jordan.

Jordan is always with us, our little baby boy and Tamina’s older brother, forever part of our lives.

The special gift of a child is a true blessing, we are thankful every day for the joy it has brought us. The road to parenthood has been a long painful one but one we needed to take until finally reaching our destination ‘A Child Of Our Own’

Blessed In Every Way

Our baby girl is now a 21-year-old woman with dreams and desires of her own. As parents Mat and I can only guide her on life’s journey proud of the independent loving women she has become.