It would be so much better if you were here…
For the last couple of months I have been in an awkward stage. I don’t know what I want. I feel like I’m not moving forward with anything and I’m stuck. I can’t move forwards and don’t know how to. Time has stopped, yet is racing at an uncontrollable, unstoppable pace. I’ve felt depreciated, lost and just generally haven’t been coping with things. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Money, studying, work, relationships all chipping away at my mind. It’s like I don’t know how to do life anymore. I lock myself away because I feel like I can’t be satisfied with anything else. But I hate being alone. I hate it more than anything. I’m almost scared of it. I envy those who are independent and love their ‘me’ time. I wish I could. I wish I could love my single self, my alone time, but I just can’t. I think too much and it wears me down. Maybe I’m just clingy. A bit lonely. Bored.
I find myself always thinking ‘it would be so much better if you were here’. If someone was here to just keep me company. Take the edge off. Distract me from the tornado that’s corrupting my brain. Being away from home does this to you. It would be so much better if my mum was here keeping me company while I cooked my pesto pasta. Dancing around in the kitchen, giving me little tips on how to improve. Or just tell me I’m doing everything completely wrong (which I nearly always do). It would be so much better if I had my sister here sitting on my bed with our mochas that she makes us (they’re the best) and talking about every little tiny detail of her day. Laughing until we can’t breathe and tears start streaming from our eyes. It would be so much better if my dad was here having our deep late night chats. Blaring ‘the smiths’ and drinking red wine while reminiscing over silly pastimes.
It would be so much better if my boyfriend was here. Someone who I can never spend enough time with, keeping me safe, secure, sound. Someone who loves me. Someone that can be so easily missed without even being far away. It would be so much better if I had my girls, my angels, my unrelated sisters. Although they live five minutes down the road, I don’t see them as much as I should. The time I spend with them is never enough. It would be much better if my friends from home were here. Being spread across the country, there is nothing I want more than for us to be watching films in bed and talking about things that are soon forgotten about.
It would be so much better if all these wonderful people were here. But they’re not. They each have their time to shine but can’t be here continuously. I need to focus on loving the time spent with myself. To try and love the time I spend alone.
