What I Wish I’d Known Before…

I wish I’d known before what the consequences of pushing that button would be. I have heard that if you put someone in a room and tell them “whatever you do don’t press that button,” then the thing they will want to do most is press the button. I wasn’t in such a situation. I was being shown around my Grandad’s workplace- the Nuclear Power Station in Oldbury.

He was always a proud man, my Grandad, always showing off his new outfits, driving over when he got a new car, and bringing over any new gadgets he had. I was amazed, he was the coolest man I ever knew, and if it wasn’t for me he might still be around today.

During the tour I was shown his work station. There wasn’t much to it, a lot of buttons and dials that I couldn’t comprehend, but Grandad told me that every single one of those buttons was important. Looking back at it now I wonder how much of that was true and how much he was just showing off, but my ten year old self was enamoured by it all. Among all these buttons was one, bigger than all the rest, shinier too, begging me to press it. I couldn’t stop staring at it. I asked what it did and all I was told was “nothing”. I was so disappointed.

We continued on with the tour but I wasn’t very interested in anything. He showed me how the cooling towers worked, and the reactor core, all of which was very impressive, but not what I was interested in. I told him I was hungry and we walked to the vending machine to get a snack. Then the announcement came. The announcement that would change everything.

My Grandad was summoned away to deal with an issue and he told me to stay put. I didn’t know what the issue was because I wasn’t paying attention, but it must have been important as he ran off. I promised to stay put, but I didn’t. I ran off just as fast, heading back towards his workstation. Towards the button.

When I made it back there wasn’t anyone around. Usually there was someone there to keep an eye on things, but not this time. It was a little creepy to be honest. But it didn’t matter to me, I could see the button and was determined to find out what it did.

After I pressed it I felt a rumble and a siren sounded. I panicked. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that I press the button just as an alarm goes off. I knew it was connected. I ran back to the vending machine, weaving through the corridors and through the throngs of people rushing towards the exit. One of them grabbed me by the arm and shouted that I was going the wrong way. I tried pulling away but he was so insistent that I went with him.

I stood waiting by the door to find out what happened when a group of people in hazmat suits came out. My Grandad had died. He was inside the reactor core when someone had pressed the button to purge it, causing him to suffocate on the toxic fumes and his skin peel away. I was responsible, I pressed the button that caused it all.

I had to go to court and face numerous questions before they decided that I didn’t do anything intentionally, and that my actions were that of an innocent child. I may have been forgiven by the law, but my family never forgave me. And I never forgave myself.

I wish I had known what would happen. I wish my Grandad had told me, just once, not to press it. Then I wonder, would I have done things differently?

With thanks to Rebekah Tennant