What I wish I’d known before dating.
Relationships are bloody difficult.
Anyone coming into a new relationship thinking that it’s easy you are truly fucked. And if you’re reading this thinking that it’s easy because you know each other so well, or because you’re best friends, that’s great honestly. But doesn’t mean you can laze around and do nothing. A lazy man works twice as hard with everything. Usually because they spend the second half of their time correcting all their idiocies in the first place. That’s me included. Dumb shits.
So in my 4 years of dating experience, and by experience I mean being a dumb shit and having a significant other look after me as their day job I’ve learnt a couple things that all guys should remember:
1. You are always wrong. If at any given time you and your partner disagree on anything, and I mean literally ANYTHING. From who you think should run the country to what you want in your sandwich. Once that spark has been ignited you’re in for a hellish rollercoaster that can last for weeks and will end in your defeat. It’s only natural for us guys to try and assert dominance by taking a stand and proving our point, be the bigger better man. Probably stems from cavemen. They were dumb shits too. Bottom line is, just take the bloody ham sandwich and shut up if you want to sleep tonight.
2. Fighting is actually healthy for a relationship. If you two bicker a lot, then it’s usually because you both actually give a damn. Just a heads up, if you’re shouting and screaming to your partner and they’re not responding, either they’re not interested and don’t care, or you should perhaps call an ambulance. So if you’re one of those people who wants to be the nice guy and not say to your partner how they piss you off on a daily basis then what are you doing? How else do you possibly spend time together? You’re clearly not getting any since you’re too busy bottling up your hatred and they’re too busy continuing to do what annoys you. So just tell them. Dumb shit.
3. When you’re getting ready for a night out together you better make sure that you have your shoes on before she’s ready otherwise you’ll end up with both shoes up your rectum. Now I know that girls generally take longer than guys to get ready. They usually take between an hour to 3 millennia. And I know that during that time you could’ve played 2 games of FIFA, watched a film, watched some YouTube videos, made yourself a sandwich without ham, eat it, watch another film. But by God if she sticks her 10 inch heels on and you haven’t got your Brogues on then you’re the problem. And then you’ll spend the rest of the night listening to her explain why you’re a lazy asshole, which you are. Just sounds a little bit worse coming from her and all her mates. Then you’ll just have an all-round shitty night where your shoes are a constant reminder of your failure as a boyfriend. Every waking moment in those shoes you’ll feel pain, sorrow, regret and slowly sink into a void of deep depression in which the only escape is a new pair of Brogues. And they’re not cheap and I know you like your fancy shoes. You like strutting your stuff in your size-13 clown shoes but you realise something. The week after suffering all this you realise you don’t want new shoes because you like your shoes! The ones that caused all this trauma to begin with. So you know what to do to avoid this in future? Stick your shoes on before she does! Dumb Shit.
Just a side note: I may have exaggerated some of my points but I can assure you it comes from the heart.
With thanks to simon Arthurs
