Making people do things they don’t want to do (or “How to shit in your own shoes”)
My mom, a child psychologist, has more than her share of crazy-kid stories. One of my favorites involves a toddler who wasn’t getting along with his new stepdad. I don’t know the kid’s name (some silliness about doctor-patient confidentiality), so let’s call him Brian. Here’s how the exchange plays out in my head:
FADE IN
INT. A PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE — DAY.
CUT TO:
A concerned couple sit on a cushy leather couch across from an attentive, beautiful (stunning, really) Psychologist named MOM. A framed picture of Freud, smoking a cigar and stroking his beard, hangs on the wall above her head. STEPDAD is visibly agitated.
BRIAN’S STEPDAD: He won’t listen to a word I say,
MOM: Can you share an example?
BRIAN’S STEPDAD: I told him to clean his room, and he just kept asking “why.” He refused!
MOM: And your response?
BRIAN’S STEPDAD: “Because I said so”…
[PAUSE]
…and then I made him clean his room.
MOM: I see. And how did that work out for you?
BRIAN’S STEPDAD (embarrassed): Not well.
MOM: He didn’t clean his room?
BRIAN’S STEPDAD: No, he cleaned it. But the next morning he shit in my shoes.
FADE OUT.
As Brian clearly demonstrated, bullying is a poor sales tactic. It’s never easy to make another person do something they don’t want to — and even when it’s possible, it can result in some seriously shitty consequences.
Many of us have observed or experienced these tactics first-hand. Inside an organization, managers might settle differences by pulling rank on their direct reports, relying on their status rather than on the merits of their ideas. While working in Southeast Asia, I experienced a different form of internal bullying: employees would often immediately uplevel disputes, racing to be the first to make their case to superiors rather than reaching a compromise with their peers. Needless to say, this often resulted in a pretty unhealthy (and resentful) work environment.
Bullying also happens in interactions between organizations. For example, one party may refuse to negotiate (often due to laziness rather than any genuine obstacles), or may make unreasonable requests of a counterparty just because he or she can. Earlier this year, I experienced a particularly unpleasant (and unsuccessful) form of bullying when a contact added my CEO to our email thread because she wasn’t happy with my response to a proposal. Not only did the outcome remain unchanged, but I walked away with a strong desire to do some shoe shitting (lucky for her, she lives on the east coast, and flights were really expensive at the time).
How can you get what you want without resorting to brute force? Try empathy. Understand your partners’ limitations and motivations, what they care about, and what they’re afraid of. Listen carefully, and give yourself time to digest and internalize what you’ve heard. Only after investing the time to understand the people sitting across the table from you can you effectively move them towards a mutually-beneficial outcome. Deals will often not go as you planned, but it’s usually better to maintain the relationship than risk it for a short-term gain.
Not only are these tactics more effective, but they’re also exponentially more fun. There’s something thrilling about identifying clear intersections of motivations and goals with a partner, like finding two notes that harmonize. This consonance can lead to outcomes where both parties have achieved significant value from a deal (as opposed to one party leeching value from the others). When you strive for this sort of outcome, you’re able to more easily invent opportunities of mutual gain and view the deal more holistically.
Perhaps if STEPDAD had listened carefully — and then spelled out the importance of having pride in your space and staying organized — Brian would’ve done what he’d been asked to do, or at least explained his resistance. Perhaps if STEPDAD had walked a mile in his son’s shoes, he might not have ruined his own.
