But Who Do I Root Against Now?
Surviving a Post-Hateable-LeBron Sports World
It’s over people. You are officially not allowed to root against LeBron James anymore. What we all just witnessed was undeniably great. And undeniable greatness is, um, undeniable. Basically LeBron has entered the realm of Michael Jordan, Ken Griffey Jr., Magic Johnson, Jerry Rice, and TNT’s NBA pregame show starring Charles, Kenny, Shaq, and Ernie. If you don’t like these things, it means something’s wrong with YOU.
Anyways, the loss of LeBron as a hateable sports figure is a big one. One of the biggest ever really. Fans everywhere are scrambling to find new athletes to dislike. I saw a guy at Starbucks yesterday whispering into his latte about how much Dirk Nowitzki has been pissing him off. It’s a chaotic time for us all. But fear not! The Who Do I Root Against Now Power Rankings are here to help. Here are the 20 sports figures that are most deserving of all your sports disgust:
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Jonathan P. Football, Floyd Mayweather Jr., Richard Sherman, James Harden, Luis Suarez, Jay Cutler, Sidney Crosby, Shaun White, Philip Rivers, Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, Steph Curry, Riley Cooper, and Nick “Swaggy P” Young.
20. Tom Brady
OBVIOUSLY!
19. Ricky Fowler
Ricky Fowler looks like a colorblind kindergartner whose progressive mom lets him dress himself for school. If he could play as terrible in majors as he dresses, well, it’d actually be an improvement.
18. Mark Sanchez
Mark Sanchez is the luckiest man alive. Has a truly godawful player like this ever gotten so many chances?! Right now he’s sitting in Denver, smoking a legal J with a team poised to walk to the playoffs, and his only real competition for the starting job is The Holy Ghost of Tim Tebow, his own GM, and a very sus Captain-Morgan-lookin’ rookie. WTFuck?
17. Novak Djokovic
Oddjob. Jaws. Le Chiffre. Goldfinger. Novak Djokovic. I don’t particularly enjoy rooting for Bond villains while I’m watching Wimbledon.
16. David Ortiz
The only thing holding this immaculately-goateed manatee out of the top 3 is that he’s retiring after this year. We only have to endure 6 more months of incoherent mumble-yelling about Boston, agonizingly long walks to the plate, and long flyouts in clutch situations. We won’t miss you Papi.
15. Pete Carroll
The fake tan. The gum smacking. The cheating. The overeager sideline hugs for grown-ass men who clearly don’t want hugs. The “I’m a cool coach” attitude while wearing pleated khakis and Curry Two Chefs. The list goes on. And on. And on.
14. Jose Bautista
Keep flipping that bat, bro.
13. Landon Donovan + Abby Wambach
Dear Landon and Abby,
Shut up already.
Thank you,
World
P.S. Can you please forward this message to Taylor Twellman as well. We don’t have his email address. Toodles!
12. Demarcus Cousins
We get it, Demarcus. You’re very good and the organization you play for is uglier than a Kevin Martin jumper. But dude, get yourself out of Sacramento already! Sulking’s not gonna do it. Getting your head coach fired every season ain’t gonna do it. Caring less about defense than Muggsy Bogues does “you must be this tall to ride the ride” signs surely isn’t gonna do it. You gotta think outside the box here. Claim that you are boycotting dunking. Threaten to play baseball — or worse, tennis. Punch a teammate’s dad. Grow a beard and impersonate Vlade Divac for an entire month. MAKE THEM trade you already. Until you really commit to escaping Sac Town, you’re just wasting our time.
11. The Entire UFC
Ok so Dana White, Joe Rogan, Brock Lesnar, Conor McGregor, some terrible tattoos, and a couple very deformed ears walk into a bar…
Thats right, you walk right out of that bar because EWW.
10. Alex Rodriguez
I was truly torn on where to put ARod on this list. On the one hand, he could be much lower because he’s 32 years past his prime and all the steroid stuff is Lance Armstrong-level old news. On the other hand, when he breaks the all-time home run record in a year or two, the shock of having a spray-tanned admitted cheater atop their hallowed record books will immediately incite heart attacks for approximately 60% of American grandfathers (including you Bud Selig). So let’s just put him right here in the middle and move along.
9. Buster Posey
“And the ESPY for Most Punchable Face in Sports goes to...BUSTER POSEY!”
His face. Look at it! It just screams “PUNCH ME!” He must get hit 12 times an hour. I mean why else would he wear a helmet and mask 162 days out of the year?
8. Chris Paul
State Farm has brainwashed you to think that Chris Paul is a v cool, v lovable guy. But I’m not sure State Farm has ever watched CP3 actually play a game of basketball. If screaming incessantly at a teary DeAndre Jordan, never making it past the 2nd round of the playoffs, and Anderson Varejaoing (YES THAT’S A REAL VERB) on every drive are v cool and v lovable, then maybe I’ve been duped and “v” actually means “not at all.”
7. Tony Romo
OVERRATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap. OVERRATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.
6. Kevin Durant
Wow Mark Stein just reported that KD heard I was writing this list and was so angry about not being included that he had his agent move up all his free agent meeting so he could sign with the Warriors just in time to sneak into our Top 6. Now that’s dedication!
Also, Kevin Durant becoming a supervillain overnight is one of the better things to happen to America because it automatically makes Russell Westbrook a superhero.
THIS JUST IN: SuperRuss just dunked on all Avengers ever.
5. Bryce Harper
Bryce Harper has all the right intentions. Baseball at the moment is a bit boring (shoutout massive understatements!) and his campaign to “Make Baseball Fun Again” is admirable. But overall, this walking haircut comes off douchier than Jay Cutler in an Ed Hardy bathing suit. Douchier than the French Soccer Team’s hair. Than JJ Redick’s suddenly-appearing full tat sleeve. Than everything Dan LeBatard has ever touched. Than Lord Disick’s nickname. Than Jason Kidd’s free throw ritual. Than The Gronkowski Party Cruise. Than Shia LaBeouf’s “art.” Than Stephen Strasburg’s chin beard. THAN TOM BRADY’S BIRDSEED DIET FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. The message is right. The messenger is so, so wrong.
4. Dwight Howard
Dwight Howard is a “super fun guy” who cares more about being seen as a “super fun guy” than actually trying or winning. I know, it’s a shame for all of us.
Sidenote: The “super fun guy” all-stars, which would get swept as the 8-seed in the playoffs but would actually be super fun to hang with during all-star weekend consists of: C Dwight Howard, PF Blake Griffin, SF Chandler Parsons, SG Nate Robinson, PG Cameron Payne (aka Russell Westbrook’s Annoying Stepbrother). And of course head coach Tyronn Lue.
3. Odell Beckham Jr.
If you put a camera on Odell Beckham Jr. right now, you have a 96% chance of seeing him doing one thing: Dancing. Odell Beckham Jr. right this second is dancing a touchdown dance we’ve seen five hundred thousand times on Sportscenter (RIP Sportscenter btw) and Instagram. He dances when he catches TDs. He dances when he catches first downs. He dances when he catches passes for a loss. He dances when he there’s music playing in the vicinity. He dances in the noiseless, empty expanse of space. He dances when he’s waiting for his dentist appointment. He dances in the chair at his dentist appointment (no doubt causing his poor dentist severe annoyance). He dances when he dies his hair “Top Ramen Yellow.” He dances when he spears and concusses innocent cornerbacks who are shutting him down. He dances while complaining to the refs. He dances with his close friend (and low-key more talented WR) Jarvis Landry. He even dances with his molasses-brained QB Eli Manning. Please, I beg you Odell Beckham Jr. Just stop for two goddamn seconds.
And don’t give Odell Beckham Jr. the satisfaction of a cool little nickname like OBJ or ODB or OBIII. He doesn’t deserve it. Call him by his full name.
2. Draymond Green
A very wise butler once said, “Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Draymond Green is one of those men. He is the prototypical “when he’s on your team you love him, but when he’s not you’re kinda rooting for a broken right thumb” player. There’s the flexing and the nut punches and the mean-mugging and the nut punches and the constant jawing and the nut punches and the overplayed “chip on my shoulder” stuff and the nut punches. Oh and then there’s the obsession with nut punches! Sometimes I think that even the 2.3 million bandwagon Warriors fans (you know those graying white tech execs wearing the free playoff t-shirts over their long sleeve button-ups) wish he would tone it down. But he won’t. He can’t.
Also, this high ranking reflects the fact that Draymond Green is the sole reason that we even had to make this list. If he doesn’t nut punch LeBron and get suspended for Game 5 of the Finals, we’re not even having this conversation! #BlameDraymond.
- JJ Watt
Hold up! Just let me explain myself! Being atop the Who Do I Root Against Now Power Rankings is a great responsibility. The player who tops this list can’t just be some Kirk Heinrich-ass nobody off the street (for the record I cherish Kirk Heinrich and deeply respect his goggles). It has to be a player with real fame and talent. Someone who could dutifully replace LeBron James as the object of all our collective dislike. They have to be able to withstand it and not crumble under the pressure — they basically have to be the anti-Washington-Capitals-in-the-playoffs. And what better player in sports today to take up that position than The Golden Boy Justin James Watt.
JJ is perfect. He’s a clean-cut, corn-fed manchild who beasts on the field and who could do no wrong off of it. But since when do we as sports fans like that flawless image? Honestly, has there ever been an athlete this good and this perfect that wasn’t rooted against? Derek Jeter has haters. Same for Tiger Woods and Tim Duncan and David Beckham and Peyton Manning and Cristiano Ronaldo. So why are we letting JJ off the hook?
I think what it comes down to is that JJ’s team has sucked. He was a lovable monster on crappy teams led by crappy QBs. When he was stomping through your team’s offensive line like a mixture of Godzilla, the Pacific Rim robot, and Boban Marjanović, you laughed because your team still won by 20. When he sacked your QB twelve times en route to a loss, it was just plain cute.
NEWSFLASH: those days are about to end. The Texans are kinda legit now and as soon as they start actually winning, that perfect persona is gonna start to feel a little too perfect: Those sacks won’t look so cute. Those hits on your QB will start to hurt you. Those 500 unnecessary catches he makes with the Jugs Machine after practice will start to seem pretty annoying. Those goal line formations with him at tight end will start to feel like some serious showboating. The endless gushing from Cris Collinsworth about all those pass breakups will start to grate on you. Then voice of Cris Collinsworth will start to grate on you in general. Then the fact that Cris Collinsworth spells his first name without an “h” will become unbearable. Then you can’t even watch Monday Night Football anymore. Now look where we are. JJ Watt has ruined Monday Night Football! JJ Watt must be stopped. JJ Watt is going to wreck your team, your heart, and your MNF. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
