Want to be a Swinger? Don’t Proposition Your Friends!
The first pitfall for those considering becoming swingers is propositioning your risque, flirtatious friends. Don’t do it. And here’s why.
Many of us know people who relish communicating in suggestive innuendos and adult-rated double entendres. Why say something in a normal tone when you could titillate, or even shock, your audience with risqué subtexts? These folks love to bring spice to their social interactions. Are they daring you to acknowledge their sexual gist? Maybe you’ve been tempted to call their bluff.
These folks must be safe to sexually proposition, right? Don’t bet on it!
Maybe Your Friends are Swingers? The Odds are not in your Favor
Determining whether another couple is already part of the Lifestyle or ready to try is tricky. Many people entertain a variety of sexual fantasies. However, most people don’t take action to make their dreams a reality.
About 5% of the US population is involved in consensual non-monogamy (swinging, polyamorous, etc.). That means 95% of the US population is not engaged in consensual non-monogamy. While the poly community is more accepting of non-traditional relationships, a significant portion feels that emphasizing sexual variety over relationship connection is distasteful.
89% of people fantasize about having a threesome. But only 14% of people have ever had a threesome. 79% of men and 62% of women have fantasized about having an open relationship. Yet only 20% of people in the US have ever had any experience with consensual non-monogamy at any point during their lives.
Most People will not Act to Make their Fantasies a Reality
Most people will not act to make their fantasies come true even when presented with the perfect opportunity. Yes, part of them yearns for novel sexual experiences. Another part of them is deeply anxious about the possible consequences. They are ambivalent — they aspire, desire, and fear. They may never resolve these conflicting feelings.
You may be the right couple, in the right place, at the right time. However, it’s also possible, even likely, that while your flirtatious friends harbor sexual fantasies and enjoy flirting with you, they will tip-toe right up to the line and then chicken out. To preserve their dignity, they may claim they were only joking. However, you will be left holding the bag — having exposed your intentions.
These friends may gossip within your shared social circles when such overtures go awry. Whether or not they gossip about you, your disclosure may permanently change your relationship with this couple.
Your Friends May Look at Non-Monogamy in Unexpected Ways
We can all agree that monogamy is the general social expectation, but cheating is a close second. If you stray from monogamy, society expects you to keep up appearances through deception (aka cheating).
The following is a brief summary of a story from a swinger’s forum: A swinger goes to a bar, hoping to find some action. He meets a woman there who seems a likely prospect. While chatting, they discover a mutual spark of interest. The woman confides to him that she is cheating on her husband. The swinger discloses that he has his wife’s permission. That’s when the woman freaks out and calls off their planned tryst. Initially, she thought that he was also cheating. That seemed normal. She felt isolated and out of step when she discovered he wasn’t cheating. She didn’t know what to do with that.
The more difficult and uncomfortable path, in our culture, is to engage in non-monogamy while being completely transparent with your significant other and while being considerate of their needs.
When people first experiment with non-monogamy, many people are tempted to go down the well-worn path of cheating behavior. Hiding, lying, deceiving, etc.
Let’s say you and your significant other have decided to try swinging. You both commit to preserving your romantic exclusivity while pursuing sexual adventures together. You propose a sexual affair to another, very flirtatious couple.
They accept your offer, and at first, everything is going great. Then, you discover that a member of the other couple has been secretly texting your significant other. Maybe they’ve been meeting in private.
Their sneaking around is the familiar and well-worn cheater’s path.
Staying off this cheater’s path while experimenting with non-monogamy takes conscious and deliberate effort. You and your partner probably had many talks about boundaries and expectations. But the couple you propositioned was pursuing an opportunity of the moment.
Had your first experience been with a well-established Lifestyle couple, you would have been far less likely to get off track.
What have you got to lose?
You may have little to risk reputation-wise. You are not an elementary school teacher who might be fired. You are not active-duty military, where any form of non-monogamy, consensual or not, might get you into trouble. You don’t hold political office where your opponents could make hay out of any aspect of your personal life. Your wife does not come from an ultra-conservative family who would disown her after learning of such news. If you don’t feel like you have much to lose, you might consider propositioning your flirtatious friends.
Most Swingers Wish to Maintain a Certain Amount of Discretion
Consider that many, likely most, people in the Lifestyle have reason to keep their activities on the down low. If you are not discreet, many people in the Lifestyle will avoid you. Once you get a reputation for being open about swinging, you may find that many other swingers will avoid you — not all, but a significant portion.
For these reasons, I recommend you only approach people who are definitively in the Lifestyle. If you wish to attempt propositioning flirtatious friends, wait until you have some Lifestyle experience to better gauge the situation.
If you decide to risk it, at least you’ve been warned of the possible consequences. It’s not a guaranteed disaster, but it can work out — sometimes.
CNM4US is a sex-positive dating site for the consensually non-monogamous that also uses a social media format to help people create communities and share their knowledge and experiences with one another.
Join us at https://www.cnm4us.com
