“It’s Just The Way I Am” And Other Poor Excuses
In Which We Shouldn’t Accept The Way We Are
“I know I can be hard to deal with sometimes. It’s just the way I am”
I hear variations of this statement pretty frequently, usually in relation to poor behavior in communication: “oh, I’m from Bluntville and we’re just blunt”, or “I am just a passionate person and I let it run away with me”, or “I’m sorry, I just talk sometimes and stop thinking”, or “I grew up in NastyLand and that’s the way we talk”, or “I’m an introvert, so I don’t speak up”.
These are excuses, neatly disguised by a degree of self-deprecation, which is designed, almost certainly unconsciously, to let the speaker off the hook. “Oh”, we think, “they owned it. Well, OK, fair enough”. And my experience suggests that it mostly works. Rarely does anybody respond to statements like this with “it really doesn’t matter where you’re from, in this company at this time, your ‘bluntness’ just comes across as rude”, or “sure, I love your passion, but it really feels like anger when you express it, and you don’t let anybody else talk”.
Behind the excuses is an interesting assumption: there are things so fundamental to who we are that we are unable to change them so we can interact well with the people around us.
Can People Change?
Yes. And no.
I do believe, from my work as a coach, from living on the planet for a while, from a smattering of neuroscience, Buddhist psychology, and other bits and pieces, that there are deeply rooted patterns of belief and behavior in us that are extremely difficult to change. Perhaps so fundamental as to be essentially unchangeable except by, perhaps, deep spiritual work and insight. But these are few, and really wired in pretty deep.
Behaving well towards each other, or adjusting our communication to our job (speaking up!) are not in that category. Yes, some habits have to change — you go to France you kiss cheeks, you go to New York you don’t. Perhaps, in your new job, you have to carefully notice the impact of how loud you are, or how quiet, how you sit, what you wear. Those are not hard to do. They take a little awareness, a little discipline, a little practice, perhaps courage (certainly speaking up can be a courageous act for some).
But they are changes that can be made. They are not “you”.
”Just The Way I Am” Is Self-Limiting
The statement “this is just the way I am” is self-limiting. You remove from yourself the possibility of doing better, of learning more, of becoming a deeper, fuller human being.
When you find yourself saying it (or any of the analogous statements), stop, listen, hear the possibility of who you can be, not the constrained person you are now.
When you hear somebody else saying it, don’t let it go. Challenge. Call out the excuse. Encourage them to see the limit, to do better.
None of us are static, except by choice. So choose to change.
(Interested in coaching, learning about your own patterns and tools to approach them more skillfully? get in touch!)
