Coming of Age

Alli D.
Alli D.
Sep 6, 2018 · 3 min read

What does it mean to “come of age” in our culture? I posed this question today, and I got two instantaneous answers. Albeit, they were the same answer: losing your virginity.

There’s something about going through minutes of adrenaline, awkwardness, confusion, and maybe (if you’re lucky) pleasure that makes you come out on the other side a new human — a human who knows so much more than he/she/they did before, a human who is ready to face the trials and tribulations of adulthood.

Makes sense, right?

Okay, okay. It’s not that unreasonable. Sure, the act of sex, with its implications of emotional discovery, physical exploration, and unique human connection, is a learning experience in itself that can potentially hint at an individual’s readiness to handle even more intense experiences in life.

However, how is it that two people I posed this question to were so quick to provide the same answer? Is this our current society’s marker of adulthood beginning?

Well, even if this is the case, first sexual encounters aren’t always such a defining moment in every context. According to John Craig of justnotsaid.blogspot.com, various cultures have coming of age rituals radically different from sex. Vanuatu boys have to jump off of a 98 foot tower, attached at the feet by vines, to “prove their manhood” (Craig). The Fula tribe of West Africa has their boys engage in a “whipping duel”, and the most “stoic” individual in the duel has proven his “manhood” (Craig). Boys of the Satere-Mawe tribe in the Amazon, when they turn 13, have to put their hands into gloves containing painful bullet ants and not “cry out” in order to prove themselves (Craig).

(Check John Craig out! http://justnotsaid.blogspot.com/2017/04/coming-of-age-rituals-then-and-now.html)

These coming of age scenarios, besides all requiring courage, have a vital common thread — they were all fabricated. Rules were implemented in each circumstance to force, in these cases, a young boy to have a new, powerful life experience — ultimately thrusting him into a realm where he is now ready to take on more.

What if our culture follows this same common thread?

With this commonality, the association of coming of age with losing one’s virginity takes on a new dynamic — it can also potentially be seen as a fabrication and construct of our current society.

Well, if members of society are in control of this association, what is stopping us from changing, expanding, or shifting it to be something else? As I hint at above, losing one’s virginity doesn’t necessarily warrant the same taxing endurance that the other cultures’ coming of age tasks do, unless you count confusion and awkwardness to be of the same caliber. Therefore, there’s all the more reason for a first sexual encounter to not be the end all be all of coming of age markers.

With this in mind, I pose the question again: what does it mean to “come of age” in our culture?

Not so simple now, is it?

In the next couple of months, I hope to unpack this question, a question that I’ve been drawn to for as long as I can remember because of its nuances, hidden complexities, and connection to all humankind.

Given the viewpoint I’ve presented here, if coming of age is a construct and is variable, what else can it encompass? First love? First heartbreak? First experience with death? First job? Moving out? The decision to follow one’s dream?

Furthermore, who’s to say that coming of age can’t encompass all of these types of events? What if coming of age isn’t just a single moment, but a series of moments that occur throughout one’s life with each one being a threshold, so to speak, that one crosses? Maybe, with each age we physically turn, we come to understand something else about ourselves and the world around us. This in itself marks coming of age as a fluid, constantly growing entity.

So, should we dare pluralize “coming of age” to “coming of ages”?

After all, what’s life if it doesn’t get more complicated, anyway?

Until next week,

Alli D, your thoughtful stranger (who oddly sounds like a rapper)

Coach’s Carrots

Crunchy, fresh writing, served up weekly

Alli D.
Coach’s Carrots
Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade