I Give Up!
I cannot believe I have been rejected again.
Why does rejection affect us so badly?
When we were kids and we were the last ones picked for the playground team. That rejection letter you got from the university of your dreams. The first time you were turned down for a job, and the last time (and all the ones in between).
Did you know that the neural pathways for rejection activate the same parts of the brain as actual, physical pain? Studies have shown that people suffering with rejection and heartache show activity in the parts of the brain that is responsible for us feeling actual pain. It is no surprise then that we feel our hearts being crushed when being dumped by a partner, or rejected in an interview for a dream job. Furthermore, other studies have shown that some pain relief drugs can actually reduce the “pain” of rejection, for the same reasons. When Tylenol (in one study) was used, the subjects in the control group took a placebo pill, told researchers that they felt considerable “physical” pain when remembering back to a painful rejection in their life, whereas subjects who took the Tylenol stated that they felt less physical pain when remembering their situations.
Scientists have concluded that this pain is a survival mechanism, evolved when our ancestors were still hunter/gatherers and staying in our tribes was absolutely vital to our survival. Some could feel when something was not going well, at risk of being thrown out of the group, which sometimes gave them enough time to mend the damages links in the tribe and return to a normal functioning relationship once again. Those who did not have this alarm built into their brains were simply rejected from the tribe and left to fend for themselves, often ending in them dying and not passing their genes onto the next generation. Those who managed to fix their family ties passed their genes on, and we have inherited these alarm bells that make us hurt when we are rejected.
So if this is a survival mechanism from the stone age, is it really a valuable asset to our lives in the modern world?
Rejection can cause many negative impacts on our life. We can spiral into a self deprecating cycle where we tell ourselves we even deserve to be rejected. It can cause us to lose contact with people who were never involved in the initial rejection because we feel lonely, or undeserving of other people’s love and attention. If the pain is directed outwards it can turn us into violent members of society, capable of catastrophes we have all read about in the news: school shootings, road rage incidents, a lover murdering their ex. The list goes on. Rejection can also lower our IQ and ignore reason, and logic. Subjects in more research were exposed to rejection in a fixed experiment. These subjects were rejected membership to a club, and felt overwhelming anger, sadness, and loneliness. These subjects were then told that the membership they had been denied was actually to an organization that they detested, but this had little or no effect on the emotions caused by the rejection. When suffering rejection we lost the ability to make decisions and even lose part of our short term memory. Where does it end?
As our world becomes more open to everybody, and more people have access to the internet and social media, the problems of rejection have been expanded beyond bullying at school, or missing out on your dream job. We have become obsessed with being accepted into social circles with which we have little to no connection whatsoever. You will quite often witness remarks in the comments sections of these platforms that are personal attacks to the creator, or even to people who are just watching. It is so easy to drop a nasty comment into someone’s video today and you will see very little return, but that person has suffered some kind of trigger to do that in the first place.
When watching material, or content, we are exposed to a plethora of different subjects. Comedy, education, sexuality, race, political views, religion… it is all there for the whole world to see. It costs nothing, and anyone can create an account, and all it takes is one video that goes against your own beliefs and you turn into a “keyboard warrior”, attacking the content creator and anyone that runs to their defense. You don’t know any of these people personally, and it makes no difference to you if you hurt their feelings (because they are wrong). Quite often, all that is lacking in the world is a little empathy. Empathy for the creator, the keyboard warrior, and for people reading these comments. These comments can really hurt people, even when they are not directed at them personally, but people writing them do not usually think like this.
What if we asked what the problem is, instead of jumping straight into the offensive? The rejection someone feels watching a guy destroy a very expensive supercar because they don’t have the money to even think about buying one, let alone buying it just to destroy it.
What about the rejection of someone who is transexual, watching a video making fun of their lifestyle?
My point is this. If someone is putting toxic content out there (which they shouldn’t), they have probably been subject to some kind of rejection themselves, and their own trigger has caused this to emerge. Would it maybe be more productive to find out why they are producing this content, and not exploding into a personal attack on this creator?
And if the content is harmless, but someone starts attacking the creator, and everybody jumps to their defence. Would it not be more amicable to find out why this person has posted this comment? Maybe ask them to explain their point of view with reason in a calm manner… As I said above, rejection can cause us to not listen to reason, or logic, and make us aggressive. It may be an eye opening exercise to see these “toxic” people explain their point of view and actually come to a conclusion that they are wrong.
The internet is a wonderful place, full of everything you could ever want, but with the pros there will always be cons. People will always be jealous of people who have made their living out of nothing. This is an amazing feat, and I find myself sometimes watching videos of people burning money (literally) and thinking how people find this entertaining, but it’s there.
We are social beings, and always have been. Even going back to the hunter/gatherers at the beginning of this story, we have depended on being part of a social group and today is no different. It may be in a different context, but we still long to be part of something bigger. Friends, family and colleagues all play a part of our social life, and when one of them is unbalanced it seems that everything falls apart. Today, the reach of social media has broadened our social horizons, bringing us into contact with people we would never have been able to have a relationship with before the internet. But this reach has brought us into contact with people we don’t want to have contact with too, and we need to learn to live in this new world where everybody knows everybody.
We are not prepared for this new world, as our parents and theirs before them, never had this kind of social reach. We are the first generations of people who have this kind of access, and it lays on our shoulders to prepare our children for what may come.
Rejection is going to happen. It is a fact of life, and in fact necessary for us to be able to identify it in the future. We will feel the feelings and emotions that rejection brings us until we evolve out of this reaction. But we can maybe prepare ourselves to deal with it better when it does come.
1. Accept it will happen
There is nothing we can do to stop it from happening. You get rejected for your first job application. If you accept it is possible, it will be easier to deal with when it does. It is not the only opportunity you will have, so get up and dust yourself off to carry on with your life.
2. Rejection comes in all shapes and sizes
You can feel rejected for a number of different things, and not all of them are life changing opportunities.
Maybe your friends don’t want to go to your favorite restaurant for dinner. That still hurts, thinking they don’t like your style. How about that time you bought a beautiful top home and your partner pulled that face that says they don’t like it… same feeling? When you went to buy that house, but your offer was rejected because the seller preferred the other family. That hurts like hell.
3. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
Have backup plans. Have a support network. Keep in touch with your friends and family. This way you can bounce back from rejection with the support of others, knowing that you have a “plan B” or C and D etc.
4. Breathe
Take a step back from the situation, breathe and let it all pass. It will hurt, but it’s not forever and it was probably not meant to be now anyway.
Give yourself some space, and time, to figure everything out.
5. Feel what you feel
Dealing with your emotions is not the same as pretending they don’t exist. It also doesn’t mean that anyone is to blame for them (not even yourself).
6. Look after yourself
This can mean different things for different people. It may mean to fill your life with friends to help you get over the pain of rejection. For others it may mean taking some time out for yourself and just coming to terms with what has happened so you can get back into the world. Either way, it would probably be a good idea to have a word with some professionals about what you feel and how you can improve the way you feel.
7. Continue feeling positive
Such a stupid thing to say when your whole world has just fallen to the ground right in front of your eyes, but this can be a valuable recovery tool.
Take notes of accomplishments you achieve on a daily basis. Good things happen all the time, and one bad thing does not need to ruin the good things. Just as one good thing is not going to fix all the bad things. But reminding yourself you are capable of good things, even during this bad time, can help you feel better about your chances.
