Water Jets Are Not For Assholes
By Paul Syng
What goes in must come out someday somehow. That said, the form, shape, size, odour and content of poop are subject to the sole proprietor’s gastronomic indulgence.
Now that I have you thinking about poop and it’s various faucets, I wish to draw your attention towards one tiny instrument, neglected over the years, hidden beneath the seat.
The water jet
The little water-hose has been washing shit-stained assholes around the globe for over decades. As per experts and findings of various studies conducted around the world, water jets are the “hygienic” alternative to your regular tear and swipe toilet-paper model or the odd bottle and finger. I probably made up the experts and studies bit.
And nobody wants to talk about the water jet. No one. Anyone drawing out plans for a toilet pay all the attention to the seat, it’s size, shape, colour, brand and comfort but the water jet is unable to earn the badge of a supporting actor/actress.
Considering the shape, technically speaking, water jets are actors. Period.
In remote parts of India, even today, pooping means crouching on two [usually out in the open or on a desi-Indian-seat also known as “tatt-ee-yaan” or “leh-tturr-eene” ] and cleaning up involves a single hand stretched behind your back, acting as a lever, pouring water from a bottle or [smaller vessel capable of holding a litre of water] over the butt crack and swiping clean with the fingers of the other hand.
It’s the equivalent of fingering your butt-hole while pouring water over it. Probably best suited to Mexican porn flicks. Remember two girls and a cup?
Eek! Yup, THAT.
Which brings us back to the innumerable advantages of using the water-jet. Hands-fucking-free. For the sake of argument, I’ve divided water-jets in a few broad categories- using functionality, type and after-feeling as my illustrative prerogative.
The prick
On a recent trip to Delhi, I happened to sleep over at a friend’s house [considering hotels are clearly out of the budget for a penny-less blogger like myself], which is where I discovered the prick-like water jet.
As I sat there, shooting-the-shit, reading tweets of my iPad [well beyond emptying my load], I realised it was time to swipe the slate clean. With one hand, I carefully placed the iPad on the bathroom sink, balancing the device between a group of toothbrushes and a soap dispenser.
With the other hand, I reached for the tap [tucked away towards the back of the seat, in a cubby hole, causing me to shift my balance on one cheek]. To my shock, on loosening the tap, all hell broke lose, as piercing sharp water shot directly at my asshole.
I felt as if I had punctured my asshole beyond repair.
In shock and with loss of balance, I panicked and sunk half way into the pot and toppled my iPad, in hope of balancing myself. Luckily, the leather case sustained the iPad’s crash landing on the bathroom floor.
By now, water had deflected off my lower back and shot up to the back of my bald head. Luckily, no causalities.
Clouded by thoughts of wide-spread embarrassment, I decided to act upon my not-so-routine-pooping incident and pledged to inform my readers.
The balls washer
Commonly found hanging for life in public bathrooms. This water jet has been at the receiving end of various dumb-fucking-asses or it’s a fitting mismatch of water-jet and seat- a lot like marriage.
Badly bruised and bent out of shape, and whatever has been left of the poor actor, it sprays 2 inches below your asshole. At this precise angle, only your balls get a washing causing them to shrivel up and you to sink -that wee bit further- into the seat [in hopes to align such water and shit-stained-butt-hole].
This may cause you to get stuck and humiliate yourself as office building security staff pull your ass out as others watch over from behind them with their camera phones. Selfie, anyone?
The cannon
The exact opposite of the prick. The cannon is probably anyone’s worst nightmare. You loosen the tap and there is only one adjustment- super-fucking-full-blast.
Water (approximately 6 inches thick) unleashes it’s wrath and obliterates anything in it’s track, including your asshole- eroding any uneven spots leaving you with a Ken-Barbie-doll butt, no asshole.
Most incidents go unreported due to the sheer embarrassment any individual would be subjected to for losing one’s asshole. The cannon is best equipped to handle a violent riot across the Middle East, possible Godzilla attack or an alien outbreak.
The trickle
As the name suggests, the trickle is typically your perfectly sound water-jet gone dry. What you’re left with is traces of water invisible to the naked eye. You probably forgot to switch on the booster pump (as your parents had instructed you to while they were away on holidays to the Bahamas and didn’t take you along because you failed your board exams) leaving your overhead tank dry and lo behold shit stained asshole.
Your only hope for redemption is either having someone from the outside (with the help of Twitter or Facebook or WhatsApp) come to your rescue or gathering the balls to penguin out of the toilet with your pants hanging between your ankles and grab a bottle of water or toilet paper roll.
Use your imagination. Amen.
The demon
It’s your average water-jet gone demonic bat-shit crazy. You’re chilling at home with the air-condition set to full blast and a load comes knocking at your rear door. You head to your throne to answer the call of nature and right after letting the tap loose, a gash of boiling water burns your asshole.
Bruised, burnt and scarred for life, you are left to live the remainder of your living adult life having to apply ointments up the pooper shoot.
Herpes. Fissures. FOREVER.
The demon is born by connecting one end of the over-head water tank with the water supply of the jet. During Indian summers, overhead tanks, usually painted black, end up crossing boiling temperature turning God-fearing-Catholic- water jets into the devil’s dick.
The next time you’re in a toilet, lift the seat and pay respect to the water-jet because you never know what evils await your asshole. And if you’ve discovered any unique type of water-jet not mentioned above, please do share it with me and the rest of us glued to our phones while women flash us.
Merry pooping.
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