Anger has two first cousins!
And they are all one big unhappy family of chronic emotional viruses that will infect anyone with untended emotions.
Anger: often called a secondary emotion because, we tend to resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. Here is where the first cousin, Bitterness hovers, strolling alongside Resentment, ‘it’s brother’ !
wooooh…. let us first try define these siblings bitterness and resentment.
Bitterness: negative emotion or attitude, similar to being jaded, cynical or otherwise negatively affected by experience. Bitter is also defined as hard to bear, grievous, distressful and it can be characterized by intense antagonism or hostility.
Resentment: comes very much close to its brother because it is a bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. Resentment comprises the three basic emotions disgust, sadness and surprise to the perception of injustice. with it comes a mixture of disappointment, anger, and fear.
why are we here?
The main reason is just to try help others figure out how to work with this emotions that take a toll on so many people with truly credible explanations of why they express it. But they can damage someone, with all the hope and passion of a happy and fulfilling life since everyday we are faced by people and situations that create, bitterness, resentment and anger with the whole shebang!
All bitterness starts out as hurt. And your emotional pain may well relate to viewing whomever (or whatever) provoked this hurt (generally, your assumed “perpetrator”) as having malicious intent: As committing a grave injustice toward you; as gratuitously wronging you and causing you grief. For anger and its first cousin, resentment, is what we’re all likely to experience whenever we conclude that another has seriously abused us.
From my own experience, I have managed, (in certain instances of my life) to make someone resent me, themselves and eventually seen it grow into bitterness and uncontrolled anger!
For a moment, I could not understand why I was on the receiving end of jolts of anger, bitterness, harshness, disgust and resentment. I had forgotten that I planted these seeds, and what was before me were the fruits!
Engulfed in my own selfishness, I viewed myself to be on ‘the right path’ and this one, where the seeds were thriving ‘on the offensive’.
Oh I was so wrong.
Because, in my failure to controlling my anger, my actions and words planted the seeds of bitterness and resentment which germinated into anger. As I struggled to understand what was going on, my eyes and my mind were suddenly opened, after I once apologised for a mistake I did but dug deeper to try find out what was really going on.
Have you ever been confronted on a mistake that you felt you were so being harshly reprimanded?
Well this may be your eye opener since situation like that can open up avenues into alleys you need to walk through to get to a credible and sound situation. The mistake that you think is being addressed so harshly may be a reflection of unresolved issues and situations that calls for your attention.
As for me, I faced a similar situation. So I got my shit together, kept my emotions aside and listened keenly after poking enough to know where the heat was coming from and at the same time, in my mind I created the foundations needed and intentions for getting us out of this labyrinth of anger, resentment and bitterness.
I am still on this path, trying to find the best way forward to heal and to always look outside myself.
The moment I allowed myself to listen, I was ashamed to learn that part of all the bitterness, resentment and anger was my fault. So much time had gone by and I kept asking myself how did I not see it? and this is why…
I was acting out of pure selfish emotions and disregarding everything that did not align to what I wanted to hear; I always defensive and as time moved on, these two cousins, bitterness and resentment summoned anger.
Anger I could not deal with since I know of its devastating characteristics and seeing it on someone else, and part of it being my fault, I had to do something .
So here I am, very prepared to let the anger leave and with it, it’s cousins.
I begun by asking for forgiveness: It Looks and sounds cliche but, you need to, in order to allow them to open up, spill their heart out, and if it is all about you, brace yourself and keep listening.
Warning: YOU WILL NOT LIKE WHAT YOU WILL HEAR.
So get out of your comfort zone,prepare your mind,body and spirit, if you really care about this person(s), you have to let them speak their mind because if you don’t, then you really don’t care. Do not let your dear one(s) try to be strong by themselves because its not enough.They need to face the darkness that you created with you by their side and let them realize that, if they opt for the choice of forgiveness, then a new path ahead shall be illuminated as you work towards pushing away the darkness one step at a time.
Where there is a will there is a way. It is always said that Rome(which was a great Empire) was not build in a day, in between the constitutions, there were numerous deliberate decisions to solve conflict and build bridges. This is what we are doing, building a great experience of life through accepting our flaws and embracing our strengths.
Now that you have heard then what?
The most important thing I have learnt (after the cat is out), DO NOT JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS!
What ever it is that you contributed to someone else’s bitterness, resentment and anger, never ever justify it, but apologize for it first.
You will also need to think stuff through because everything that has been shared will not be light and should be taken seriously with everything put into place to slowly and deliberately begin to resolve.
Personally I feel that Anger, bitterness and resentment are emotions that we constantly need to manage in order to thrive as people and in our interactions with others on a personal level and professional level. This article is just a part of my feeling and part struggle of trying to be a better person than an earlier version of myself and I hope to build better relationships based on lessons i have learn from my past.
I wish the same for you too. If you found this article helpful, you may share it and also contribute through your comments .