Brutally Honest Improvements To Make LinkedIn Worthwhile

Dr Stuart Woolley
CodeX
Published in
7 min readApr 22, 2022

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Many a true word is spoken in jest.

Photo by Michelangelo Buonarroti from Pexels

It’s the job platform we love to hate.

No, wait, let me rephrase that, it’s Microsoft’s attempt at a ‘Facebook for Jobs’ and it’s a consistent source of irritation, bemusement, and utter incredulity to many software engineers on a daily basis. (Especially if they’re job hunting or, more commonly, just looking to take cheap shots in a faux comedy article on a popular blogging site.)

To be honest, if I were an extraterrestrial, I’d think it was a parody site.

Let’s consider some of the more radical ways that the platform could be improved, aside from being shut down, to benefit us denizens of the grand game of software engineering and aid us in our quest to find a respectful and trusting employer who pays us market rates not just on hiring, but during our tenure too.

Congratulatory Animations

Congratulations on Leaving a Job

Imagine a cast member of The Walking Dead breaking through a wooden door, sweaty and clearly exhausted. They look around frantically before running quickly forward, spin around whilst raising a suitably meanacing looking rocket launcher, then they satisyingly obliterate a hoard of suit wearing zombies (carrying marker pens, laptops, and agile certification certificates) who beging to stream through the now open door.

The cast member emerges from a cloud of swirling coloured paper, smiles to camera, and deepfakes to camera one of the following word choices:

  1. I’d been stuck in this job far too long. A combination of bad management, poor business planning, and endless dull work was just doing my head in. The ‘return to the office’ requirement was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back.
  2. Performance reviews were irregular and may just as well have been performed by a wild raccoon. As a result my son’s paper round paid more per hour than my leaving salary. Couldn’t wait to get out.

Congratulations on Getting a Pay Rise

There’s a cake on a table, it’s got your name on it, and Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture begins to rise to prominence…

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Dr Stuart Woolley
CodeX

Worries about the future. Way too involved with software. Likes coffee, maths, and . Would prefer to be in academia. SpaceX, Twitter, and Overwatch fan.