About going full-time mama

Some people say the best things in life are not planned. Maybe not all things, but some definitely are. Like my pregnancy: it was not planned, however it brought me the most precious gift I’ve ever had.

Today is an important day. It’s been exactly 3 months since my daughter was born. It’s a milestone: the “fourth trimester” is over, and things are getting more under control — we have something that looks like a routine, I know her better, I feel confident about being a mother. Today is also the last day of my maternity leave.

I must say that I could not anticipate and nothing could prepare me for this kind of love. Of course, everybody has a mental idea, based on what other people say, that the mother-child bond is fantastic; that the love you feel for your children is the biggest love there is. But there’s no way you can understand this if you never went through the experience of having a child. Now I get what my mother meant in the various occasions she told me “you’ll only understand this when you have a child”.

The thing is that these three months passed so freaking fast. I’m just now leaving our little bubble, getting life back on track, and starting to feel like me again. It is just so soon to have to think about complex life choices, career, future. I don’t even know what / when / how lunch is gonna happen today! The only thing I know for sure is that I’m SO in love… This tiny human being is everything to me. She is my top priority, and she really needs me now.

I didn’t plan to be a full-time mom, but I’m taking a leap of faith and following my heart today. I chose to leave a job I loved, in one of the best companies in our industry, and that makes me feel a little bit guilty. Because I have the privilege of choice. Many women don’t have that, and it must be really hard for them to go back to work so soon, after a huge life change like that. I get it. But I also get why you would *want* to go back to work, and I think it’s completely fine too. Either way, there’s a big chance you will feel insecure or a bit guilty, because there’s no right or wrong choice. There’s just what works better for you, in your current situation.

One thing that made this decision easier for me was imagining myself in the future, and thinking about what regrets I could have about my life now. These moments with her are priceless, she grows so quickly! I would certainly regret missing this proximity we have today. And that is something I could never get back.

I’m really happy about my decision and I’m excited about this whole new moment in my life. Taking care of a baby is actually the hardest job I ever had, it is challenging but incredibly rewarding. I’m also pretty sure this whole experience will help me be a better developer, because it definitely teaches you a lot about empathy, patience, love and respect. These are all great lessons when you build things that are supposed to be used by humans!

As a side note, I’m not disappearing on a hole in the ground (where stay-at-home moms go, you might think — Wonderland, right?). I don’t have the time I used to have before, but I am around. I will be writing more (hopefully) and I plan to do some coding as well. Anyways, you can always find me on Twitter.

This post was originally published on December 7th, 2016