Beautiful Conflict

This is a longer post so here’s my summary of what I wrote:

1. Conflict is inevitable
2. Approach it with a positive outcome in mind
3. Take away hierarchy and understand a mutual interest
4. Understand personalities are key and shape action and response
5. Celebrate uniqueness
6. Sharpen correctly

Now if you are still interested keep reading. But understand it not make sense until the very end.

In the time we live it seems like there is an ever increasing chance of stepping on toes, whether you do it intentionally or not. As tensions and tempers begin to rise, it is interesting to take a look at what is the cause of this conflict.

The purpose of this post is not to add another voice to the increasingly blazing fire that is the racial situation present in our world, but rather to talk about how conflict, when handled and approached appropriately, is actually beneficial. Though some of these thoughts (and they are not all my own) could maybe help aid in other larger problems.

The staff I work with has been talking about conflict the past few weeks. In any work or team setting conflict is inevitable. Further, in any relationship conflict is natural and beneficial. But it is not in itself naturally helpful.

Members of our staff did an excercise of writing down what came to mind when you think of the word conflict. Words that I were: different, disagreement, miscommunication (misunderstanding), lack of communication, arrogance, pride, and fight. The majority of these words take a pessimistic approach to conflict, but there were others who were more optimistic in their thinking. Words such as: hope, understanding, and work. I think that our mindset in dealing with conflict is integral to the outcome. If I enter into a situation involving conflict and have the mindset of attacking the person and ultimately winning battle, then I have missed my opportunity to grow in the experience. If we don’t enter with sights of a positive outcome then we leave the situation in the same place we entered, or in an even worse place with that person.

Ed Catmull is the president of Pixar Animation Studios. In his book Creativity Inc. (which I recommend), Catmull talks about they approach each movie they make the same way: initially the movies sucks and they want to make it not suck. Catmull did two things to help ensure the this process:

1. Removed all hierarchy from the group.
2. Made sure everyone involved had a vested interest in the success of hte project.

Now granted this is a different situation then a conflict that arises between you and a spouse, friend, co-worker, or you fill in the blank. But if we realize that our conflict arises because we both have an interest in the thing causing the problem and remove our personal bias and hierarchy this can be incredibly beneficial in moving towards a positive outcome.

One other thing that we must understand is that each individual is different and therefore has different past experiences. But maybe even more important than our pasts is that we all have different personalities. It is incredible how much our personalities play into relationships! I’m not a physcologist so I am not going to even attempt to explain how each personality works with and responds to others. If you want to understand, take a personality test or read some book. But I bring this up because our personalities will affect the way we handle and respond to situations.

What I find absolutely incredible is that we are all different and unique. We all have differences, which is what makes us all awesome! But, it is very easy to overlook our differences. Instead of celebrating our differences and unique qualities, we can often resort to ignoring them. This is a crucial mistake! Not only do we miss what important content can come from someone with a different approach, but we also disrespect them as a person. Essentially we say, though not necessarily verbally, that you uniquenesses are not as important as mine. There goes the removal of hierarchy!

But here is what is important to know. If we understand how someone approaches or reacts to things we can better navigate any conflict that will come up. Ignorance will never lead to better conflict resolution.

Ok, so I have said many things about what plays into conflict, but if you are still reading you probably want to know what I called this Beautiful Conflict. Well here is why. Differences, dissonance, and the inevitable uncomfortable scraping of opinions shapes us into better people. There is this great book that once said,

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

Well, if iron truly sharpens iron (I checked, it does & you can see it here), then a person can truly sharpen another person. The key though (and seriously if you only catch one thing, make it this) is doing correctly. You can ruin iron by sharpening it incorrectly. You can ruin a person by doing the same.

So again here’s my summary:

1. Conflict is inevitable
2. Approach it with a positive outcome in mind
3. Take away hierarchy and understand a mutual interest
4. Understand personalities are key and shape action and response
5. Celebrate uniqueness
6. Sharpen correctly

Conflict is a beautiful thing when done correctly. I would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment or contact me. Much love!

**Ps i know my grammar isn’t perfect throughout (and yes I didn’t capitalize that I on purpose)