An Open Letter To My Children About Sexual Assault And Consent
From a mother who wasn’t brave enough to report her rapists
**DISCLAIMER: This article is not about who did what or who is telling the truth. This article is meant to be a tool to educate our children and guide them into making better choices so that, hopefully, we can see change in the future. The Kavanaugh/Ford case is merely an example to show why we need to be open with our children on topics like sexual assault and consent.**
To my four amazing children,
In light of Brett Kavanaugh’s sexual assault allegations (unfortunately, one day, you will hear of this and many similar cases), and bearing witness to the truly disgusting victim shaming that Christine Blasey Ford has been subjected to, it has made me feel as though I need to speak candidly to you about sexual assault and consent.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where many individuals feel they have the right to steal things that do not belong to them, and sadly this includes our bodies.
I wish that I could protect you from all of the evil in this world, but a day will come when I will no longer be able to keep you within arm’s reach. You will grow up and venture out into the world, where I hope you will take the lessons I have taught you and be genuinely good people with strong moral compasses.
I was raped on two separate occasions by two separate “men.” They took something from me that I can never get back, and those events have stayed with me ever since. The pain, the guilt, and the shame will never fully go away, even though I know it’s not my fault. Every day I regret not reporting them. The details of those events are not what is important, what is important is that I have learned from my experiences and can now use my trauma to help others. Use it to keep you, my beautiful children, safe.
Statistically, 1 in every 6 American women has been the victim of sexual assault, and 1 in every 10 rape victims in the U.S. are male (yes, my precious boys, that means this can happen to you too). My only hope is that by the time you are old enough to read this something will have changed and these statistics have decreased. My intention is not to scare you but to prepare and guide you, as I do in all things.
The first thing I want to drive home to you is that your body is yours and yours alone!
Your body homes and protects everything that you are, everything that makes you you. You have the right to say what does or does not happen to it. No one has the right to hurt it or disrespect it. No one has the right to claim it or touch it without your permission. It doesn’t matter who they are or what they say. No means no, always! Do not let someone pressure you into something that you are not ready to do. Those who truly love you will not use manipulation and guilt to gain access to your body. True love is patient and respectful. True love will wait.
Now listen very carefully….
If there is ever a time when someone is trying to take advantage of you or your situation, or is trying to forcefully engage in sexual intercourse or any type of unwanted sexual act, YOU FIGHT LIKE HELL! YOU DO NOT GIVE UP! Your body and your soul are always worth fighting for! Try and maintain whatever type of control you can in order to gain the upper hand on your attacker. The only thing that matters at that moment is protecting yourself in whatever way you can and by any means necessary.
This leads me to the hardest part of this letter….
Should your attacker succeed…. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Whether you fought until the very end, were unable to fight, or quit the fight in hopes that the torment would end sooner, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It’s not your fault because of what you wore! It’s not your fault because you went to a party and drank, or because you set your drink down! It’s not your fault because you flirted and kissed someone! It’s not even your fault if you began having sex and then changed your mind. It is ALWAYS okay to change your mind! If you say “stop” or “no” and they do not, that is rape! Nothing you did caused this to happen.
Take whatever guilt or shame you are feeling and push it away because it does not belong to you, it’s theirs to keep for the rest of their pathetic lives.
Know that you will be okay, you are loved and worthy of that love, and you are supported by so many. Know that what happened to you does not define you, and that moment in your life does not devalue you as a human being. As your parents, we hope that you can come to us, remembering that we will never judge you. We will always be there to provide comfort and strength; we will be your safe place no matter how old you are. We will be there every step of the way, helping you to recover, and to ensure that the one(s) who did this to you are held accountable and pay for their actions. You are stronger than you feel, and with time you won’t feel so broken.
Here is the part that I wish I did not have to say as your parent, but if I want to see change in the world, I have to start with you….
It is NEVER okay to touch someone without their permission.
It is never okay to have sexual interactions with someone unless they consent and they are coherent. If they are not of sound mind, it isn’t okay. If they are intoxicated, they did not consent. A person’s body is their own, and it should be respected and protected. Pressuring someone or taking advantage of them to get what you want is immoral, and you are better than that. Whenever you make a choice, before you follow through, ask yourself, “is this the person I want to be?” “Would I want someone to treat my sister or brother this way?” If the answer is no, then you should rethink your choice before it’s too late to take it back.
I know this all sounds overwhelming, but the world isn’t all bad. For as much bad as there is, there is a lot of good too. I don’t want you to be afraid of the world and of other people. I want you to live! Live honestly, work hard, and love harder. Be a good friend and a good partner. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Advocate for yourself and for others. Stand up for what’s right, even if it’s not the popular choice. Surround yourselves with people who make you better and strive to be better every single day.
Love always,
Mom
