“Be Positive”: Yeah that doesn’t always help…
Before I start, I want to say being positive or the positive vibe thing that’s going helps some people through a tough time… not me.
I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
Ok. Now we are clear. There’s another thing.
I DO SMILE. I DO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
But I also have very bad days. It’s a part of me I’m trying to accept.
See, whether I like it or not, for some reason I like to make myself feel as small as I can. Even if I do something good, there are people out there doing better, people who don’t have baggage. People who can trust the “universe” or whatever.
Me. I trust nothing and even less when the person who inspired me left the world. No, I didn’t know him but his words spoke to me. If you’re curious look him up-Kim Jonghyun.
Still, to this day, there’s nothing more soothing than his music. People call me morbid, or even think I should move on and look for ‘real healing music.’
I’m here to say one thing: healing, grieving, depression…. All those things and more are very personal things to experience.
I used to enjoy going to the mall and get some AC while window shopping. Now, all these positive vibe things keep hitting me in the face. They slap me everywhere: Mugs, shirts, you name it.
I get it. We all feel like if everyone were positive and happy we’d avoid tragedies.
That’s where you’re wrong.
Shit would still happen. Just because someone tells me all my positive qualities doesn’t mean I believe them. Just because someone says I’m smart doesn’t mean I believe them.
All I know is I’m a mess, just a huge mess.
How I have a few friends, I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be my friend.
But you know what my favorites are: the “look” and the “intervention”
1. The “how are you look” when they see you’ve self-harmed… you now I’d appreciate it if you treated me normally and not give me the look and try to guide my messy life around…thank you.
2. The “intervention” is bad enough when your family does it, but when it’s your partner’s family…not to help you out but for you to leave your partner, because your negative shit brings them down…wow.
I’m sorry, but I feel like the talk around mental health gets about 90% wrong. Half the time I walk out of those talks aimed to help people like me. Everything is either religious or I need to learn how to be extroverted, I tell them I am with words but no… I have to TALK.
Fun fact: I hate talking about me. It’s bland. It’s boring, and ugh.
Mental Health awareness lasts about a week or so after a tragedy. Then we go silent and try to come up with whatever stupid idea we can.
It’s a tiring cycle. People like me just want some understanding and a certain normalcy.
Not because I want it, but I need it. Think about it. How would feel to constantly be thrown aside, just because you don’t fit the norm?
For me, it’s been like that since high school and, skip ten years later, it’s still the same.
How am I supposed to be a writer if no one wants a voice like mine? How can I switch professions when this is what I love?
You know ignorance truly is bliss.
And sometimes I really wish to be a part of that ignorance.
