But For Some Reason I Do Not
I sip on a lovely glass of stress every morning in my kitchen as I stare at the tile floor. I remember how the warm water used to fall down onto my shoulders so soothingly, but I now I gasp for air within my shower, as its claustrophobic walls move closer. I take a deep breath exactly how I was instructed to when I was previously in the process of healing. I miss looking into the mirror and being content with my reflection. Despair made my eyes gloomy and resulted in me forgetting how to genuinely smile.
The injury was on the verge of scabbing. It is as if someone slid two fingers under my stitches, ripped them out, and pried the wound back open. As the blood poured out, I lost the strength to stand. Before I knew it, I could hear the coroner zip the bag and could no longer feel the heat of the ground as I was carried away.
I have fallen into the well again and regardless of my lung-explosive screams, no one reached their hand down to lift me out. The only response was the haunting echoes of my cries along the stones.
My limbs contain so much tension that I can hardly sleep at night. My spine curves as I roll my entire existence into a ball. I wish I could cry out to my mother — she would run into my room, embrace me, and console my fearful mind “Honey, it was only a dream.”
“You are okay.”
“I’ve got you here, safe.”
“I love you.”
Only to realize that I am not a child anymore and most nightmares happen when the sun is out. That the years of therapy sessions and shoving pills down my throat have broken my soul once again. That even as all of my years of hard work are finally paying off, even though I was blessed with my health, even though the limit for happiness is endless…here I am, with this pit in my stomach. It weighs down my spirit. The whispers in my ears… “You are nothing”…they have told me. I ignored them as long as I could and I knew you would be so very proud of me.
Sometimes the anxiety has me desperate, begging for the world to let me give up.
But for some reason I do not.
Which is truly a gift.
