Coping With Anxiety And Depression Throughout Various Seasons Of Life
May is mental health awareness month and as someone who has dealt with anxiety and depression on and off for most of my life, I would describe it as a foggy dream sequence that is sometimes seen in the movies. A person is trying their hardest to get a message across, but they are not seen or heard by anyone or anything in their surroundings.
This part of my story began in elementary school when I was still too young to recognize what was happening. School quickly became one of my triggers for anxiety. I experienced a great deal of bullying from my peers and mistreatment from adults. Children learn from adults how to treat others, and within my school environment, I was surrounded by many adults that were not very kind. One memory that sticks out vividly was when I was in second grade having an outdoor field day to celebrate the end of the year, I had practiced for months to participate in the wheel barrel race. I did not think about being as fast as the other children. What was important to me was being able to do something just like everyone else.
As a person who has Cerebral Palsy and uses a wheelchair, I cannot begin to explain how freeing it is when you do not have to think about potential obstacles. I finished the race, and one of the parent judges decided that she wanted to give me a blue ribbon for my participation. After receiving the ribbon, the school gym teacher stated how she thought I was not supposed to receive anything. I am not quite sure what her rationale was behind that, but all of the pride that I felt by accomplishing that goal vanished in an instant. That was one of the earliest seeds of doubt, and examples of being “different” that sticks out in my mind.
I am older now and can rationalize some of the experiences I have faced growing up and throughout my life thus far. Even at almost 35 years old, depression and anxiety continue to play games with my mind. I have so much that I would like to do, and so many things that I want to accomplish. While I know that in that I can accomplish certain goals, I need to consider different things that most people may take for granted. The first of those being that Medicaid and the different waiver program.
Eligibility is based on a state-by-state basis rather than a universal model. What this means is that if a person decides to move to a different state, as I have in the past, their Medicaid Healthcare and personal care attendant coverage ends. This means you need to reapply and be placed on a waitlist. You are not given a specific time as to when or if your coverage will be reinstated. This makes it extremely difficult to get medical or personal care attendant needs met. When you do not have the means to pay out of pocket, these essential needs get very expensive very quickly.
The second thing that I have had to keep in mind is that when you receive social security, it can make things difficult as far as employment, as well as maintaining personal care attendant services. You can only make so much money per month while still obtaining you are social security benefits. In addition, if you make over a certain amount you are not eligible for personal care attendant services, which I need in order to get my daily living needs met. I also need to be conscious of accessibility concerns in the city that I choose to move to, including apartment accessibility and layout, as well as public transportation. What I would not give to be able to pick somewhere that I would like to move without having to consider so many factors.
Having depression and anxiety can trick you into believing the negative things that you hear others say, or the insecurities that you feel about yourself. When you struggle with something like depression or anxiety you often tend to wear different masks depending on who you are around, and how much you let people in. Everyone has insecurities that others may not be aware of, or that they themselves may not be able to fully articulate.
Having a physical disability has added a whole different layer as an individual. It has blessings and drawbacks providing a strength to persevere, but at times I have felt the need to prove to myself, and to others that you could keep up. Often this causes a sense of anxiety can cause the mind to overthink. Finding ways to cope with one’s own mental health looks different for everyone. It is important to try to find ways to let feelings out whether that be counseling, writing in a journal, or talking to a friend or family member that you trust.
When you are able to open up to other people about your challenges, they begin to understand, and this process of opening up, and finding ways to cope may be long and is just that, a process, there are going to be ups and downs, but it can help you through things that may seem insurmountable. This might be a battle you face every day, but it is one that can be overcome.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”
Mary Anne Radmacher
Know that you are not alone if you need assistance finding Mental Health Resources contact a local doctor, counselor or call 1–800–662-HELP (4357) b
