Damaged
A Letter To My Abuser
It’s been over thirty years since you shattered my world and left me a shell of a once happy little girl. I was so young, and you damaged me forever. Over the years I have heard stories of how caring and how outgoing I was. I loved singing whenever I saw a stage. I loved spending time with my grandmother eating chicken nuggets and doughnuts. Or going out for breakfast and telling the waitress I wanted dunking eggs. If I had never met you would I still be that little girl? I will never know.
I was supposed to be a child, playing and spending my time with friends. I remember spending time with the one friend I was allowed to have, singing and dancing to New Kids on the Block music. I soon learned how the brain works when you’ve been through a traumatic experience. Your brain wants to protect you from the trauma you are going through or have been through. So, I lost so many memories from my childhood. I can’t remember many good times, I forget the times I spent with my grandparents, I can’t remember being happy.
You took so much from me, my childhood, my innocence, and my confidence. I often wish I was someone else, someone who was happy and confident. After what you did to me I found it hard to trust anyone. I retreat into myself and don’t let people in. Do you know how hard it is to find love after something so traumatic happens to a person? It’s one of the hardest things to go through after being abused. It’s hard to let a person in and even harder to tell them what happened to you as a child. Yes, you eventually must tell the person you are close with that you were molested as a child. It’s easier to tell them before your brain goes into panic mode and you freak out. Luckily, I found a man who took the time to listen. He didn’t pretend like he knew how I felt. He soon learned though how I can have a flashback at any time, sometimes for no reason. He knows when I just need to be held or when I need to be alone to cry and let the memories flood through me like a stream of fire, burning me until I can finally function.
When I had my first daughter, they diagnosed me with postpartum depression. They had no idea how scared I was. I was scared to change her diapers or bath her, and I certainly didn’t want anyone else to either. I was scared for her and I was scared for me. I was so over protective, and I knew all this came from my childhood. Had you not done what you did to me would I have been a different parent?
After the birth of my third child, my doctor convinced me to see a psychiatrist. I was scared. I already felt crazy for my over protective parenting style and that I was scared to sleep alone or in the dark. I found the psychiatrist was incredibly nice and understanding. She was the first person who seemed to really understand what I was going through and she was the first person who diagnosed me. I was suffering from chronic depression, severe anxiety and PTSD. It was a scary diagnosis, and I wasn’t sure where to go from there, she helped me understand where my feelings were coming from and encouraged me to see a therapist.
I often wonder if you have ever thought of what you did to me. Do you care what I still am going through? Have you ever admitted what you did wrong? I can only hope no other girl ever crossed your path and had to go through what I went through. I hope you learned what you did wrong and you asked for forgiveness. I will never forget what happened to me as a little girl and I will never be the woman I was meant to be. No, I can’t forgive you for what you did, what you took from me. I will though learn from what happened to me and move on and try to be the best woman I can.
If you or someone you know could be dealing with any form of child abuse, call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline 24/7 at 1–800–422–4453. For more information, please go to https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/.
