Dear Bethany
Dear Bethany,
So many times I have written that. Never on a laptop though. Never have I written it where it will eventually be seen by the public. I have been trying to figure out how to write this for weeks to no avail. So, I thought I’d just start and see where it goes.
It’s here. I knew it was coming, but I’ve been thinking more and more about it the closer it gets. Five years ago, today was the worst day of my life. Five years ago, today, I found out you were leaving us. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday.
I woke up late, on a typical summer day. I was finally out of the hospital, after my blood transplant, and I was feeling healthier than I knew I could feel. I was excited that my birthday was two days away. It was my 21st, and I had a whole big thing planned in Indianapolis. I woke up as if it was just another ordinary Wednesday.
Typically, I don’t spend much time on my cell phone. There are days where I get up and don’t check it for several hours. This was one of those days. It was early afternoon by the time I looked at it. I don’t remember all the notifications, but I remember having two texts from two friends who don’t normally text very often. I assumed it was going to be about the birthday party, but when I opened them, I was confused.
“Are you okay?” and “I’m so sorry” were the texts. I had no idea what was going on. I replied that I was fine and asked why they texted me that. Then it really sunk in. Something happened. Something terrible had happened. One of them asked if I had been on Facebook that day, to which I answered no. She then informed me that your dad had posted about you. He said you were exhausted from fighting and that you weren’t going to anymore.
My heart stopped. People talk about grief and heartache, but while I’ve dealt with loss before, I had never felt this. There was actual pain. My heart hurt, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt sick. I immediately texted you saying how much I loved you and how much your friendship meant to me. There was never a response though… I never got a goodbye. A little after 7 pm that night, I found out you were gone.
I had never cried so much in my life. My world was crashing, and I felt like I would never be okay again. There was also a tremendous amount of guilt. Those last couple of months I hadn’t talked to you as much. I was always busy or something. I should have made time though. You had tried texting me that weekend. I couldn’t get a signal on my phone in the hospital, so I had my sister text you for me. She basically told you I was okay, but I couldn’t text at the time. You will never know how much I regret that. I’ve often wondered if you were going to tell me then that you were too tired to keep fighting. It was a conversation we had had before, but you had always kept going.
People say you never know how much time you’re going to have with someone, and I finally understood. I thought I had more time and I took that for granted. I would give anything to have more time with you, but I am forever grateful for the time I did have.
You were more than just my best friend, you were like a sister. We could talk for hours and never run out of things to say. I have so many incredible memories with you. Sleepovers, camp, Warped Tour, visits at Ball State… The majority come from camp, where we would get to spend two weeks together. Living two hours apart was difficult. Throughout those two weeks, you, Kesha, and I could not be separated. We even became known as the triangle.
It was more than the food fights, swimming, and late nights around the bonfires though. I had friends growing up, but in middle school and high school, I drifted away from them. I was full of self-doubt, which lead to depression. Camp was a place I could completely be myself and have an incredible time. I was surrounded by others, like you, who understood what it was like to be in a wheelchair and struggle with those things.
You showed me the true meaning of friendship. You were there for me through the good and the bad. You loved me when I didn’t know how to love myself. Through my horrible depression, you constantly reminded me that I mattered.
I wish you were here to see me now; so much has changed in the last five years. My depression has subsided greatly. I decided to go back to school last year, and I’m doing fantastic! I am studying Forensic Psychology online, which I absolutely love. I’m very involved in the school’s online clubs, through which I have made some incredible friends. I am happy.
Despite life not going how I planned, I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been. With Lindsay up there with you, I know you’re both looking down on me, and I know you would be proud of how far I have come. I miss you every day. They say time heals all wounds. I don’t think I’ll ever be fully “healed” from losing you, but I can look back now and smile.
For four years, I wrote in a journal to you. My entries became fewer with more time between. I reached the end of the journal, last year, as a different person. I have missed writing to tell you of my life, but I no longer feel dependent on it. Having you as a guardian angel is enough. I love and miss you, Bethany Marie.
Love,
Your bestest friend ever, Caitlin
