Fade Out: Wanting To Be Seen But Stay Invisible
********TRIGGER WARNING***********
I know that term because of my brother’s interest in the film industry. It’s where you go to black after a scene finishes, instead of going into the next scene. I’ve written about my spy fantasy in the past. While freedom from my family is a big part of the allure, there’s another aspect that’s enticing. My identity gets erased; I exist no longer, at least not as Marge Cremer. I’m a shadow, a faint memory in the minds that once knew me. I hope I’m as forgettable as I like to be. There I am, at one spectrum or the other of people knowing me. I want myself erased, not only intangible forms but in people’s minds. On the other end, I want people to remember me. Perhaps that’s another reason I indulge in the spy fantasy so often. I want to make a significant difference in the world without my name known.
Being it the public eye leaves you vulnerable. People could destroy your reputation in the blink of an eye. Usually, when it happens to a celebrity, and it’s not true, it’s for money. The giving of money keeps the scandal quiet, but it makes the celebrity appear guilty. It’s a no-win situation. One cannot make a name for them at your expense if you yourself are not a name.
Every time I convince myself of being in the background I go back to a school play my fifth grade put on. I wanted to be on the lighting crew. Instead, I was a lady-in-waiting to Lady Macbeth. What’s funny is I didn’t even audition; I got sick and spent the afternoon in the nurse’s office. Granted I had no speaking lines, but I still had to stand on stage a few times during the play. I was in the background with a shining light on me. That is like being a spy.
I know you could erase a driver’s license, birth certificate, and tax records. But to disappear from the memories of all who’ve known me would be the most wonderful accomplishment. I would have vanished from their minds. To be forgettable, that is my wish for me. I always thought to fade out you would have to live a life devoid of greatness. My desire to be great can sometimes interfere with my desire to live in obscurity.
Anonymity and greatness are funny things; you can’t have both. I suppose I would rather remain shrouded in darkness than to become notorious. Anonymity and greatness don’t go hand-in-hand, but greatness and notorious do. Some people can’t allow someone to live in the spotlight without tainting the light. Whether it be for money, jealousy, or out of plain malice, it’s a dangerous lifestyle.
I don’t like vulnerability in the public eye. I could remain vulnerable all I want in the darkness. But once I step into that spotlight, I’m not vulnerable to a few chosen I am in jeopardy from the entire world.
Trusting a few people outside the world of obscurity is dangerous enough without tossing in those elements of jealousy and money.
As far as accusations of some unspeakable crime I suppose in some weird way I would prefer to be in the spotlight if it were to happen. The chances of having it cleared up would come easier with money and fame. Even after celebrities endure scandals, they are still likable. If accused of something unspeakable, it would be harder to redeem myself if I were just someone on the street and not in a mansion in Beverly Hills.
In every situation, I’ve mentioned I maintain the best one being that of a spy. To be great and obscure would be the perfect combination. Until I become a spy, I will continue to fade out.
“If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1–800–273–8255, text Crisis Text Line at 741–741, or call 911”
