“Fake News” Throughout The Ages
A short sketch
Fox and Friends — Watergate
Steve: The liberal media is at it again! Attacking our great commander-in-chief, Richard Nixon, for being a patriot.
Brian: That’s right. These pinko commies can’t get over McGovern’s bruising defeat and are trying to undemocratically take this election away from our President.
Ainsley: If anything, he was doing the right thing, breaking in to their headquarters to expose the dirty laundry of the DNC.
Brian: DNC, stands for Does Need Corruption, am I right?
Steve: More like: Democrats Nuke Capitalism!
Ainsley: Or Democratic National Committee…
(Crosstalk)
Brian: It’s not like Nixon himself broke in.
Steve: Exactly. It was a low-level, unpaid intern. A group of low level, unpaid interns. A group of professionally paid men out of the RNC’s re-elect the president fund.
Brian: He wanted to find out the truth! What was the DNC hiding?
Ainsley: There’s nothing illegal there! The real illegal story is that Lady Bird Johnson was caught selling yellowcake to the Chinese!
Brian: Yellowcake uranium?
Ainsley: Just yellowcake. She’s a fantastic baker.
Brian: But it could be uranium.
Ainsley: I mean, maybe?
Brian: Can you prove it wasn’t?
Ainsley: It would be difficult and time consuming.
Brian: You heard it here first folks, LBJ’s wife, possibly colluding over uranium sales? Why isn’t the DOJ appointing Cox to look into her?
Steve: It’s a total witch hunt.
Brian: Completely. A political witch hunt that will never amount to anything.
BREAKING NEWS — PRESIDENT NIXON RESIGNS.
Silence
Brian: This is the deep state at work.
Rush Limbaugh — WWII
Rush Limbaugh: My friends: our communist President Frank-lame Delano Roosevelt has gotten us dragged into another international war we need no part of. Nazi Germany poses no threat to America, none whatsoever! Oh, is it our moral imperative to help the peoples of Europe? I got your imperative Frank, HELP THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY BY LOWERING THEIR TAXES! You know unemployment has never been higher in this country than when under King Roosevelt the 2nd? That’s right, he’s a total nepotistic, monarchist imperialist mockery of our democracy. Friends, Europe was in shambles! Germany was under attack by, kid you not, CARD CARRYING COMMUNISTS! You have to act strong in times of crisis. Hitler did that! He had to rid Germany of the Communists and the Deep state. When there are a few bad apples they rot the whole barrel. Cut off the hand to save the arm! You have to clean house. What Hitler is doing is cleaning up Europe. I promise you, the Europe that will emerge will be a stronger, more fierce, significantly more Capitalist Europe. A richer Europe that will buy American goods. That’s how we get out of this recession. Not by going to war with a great European statesman, but by encouraging trade! Honestly, these democrats have their head so far up their own asses, it galls me. This war is a jobs program, folks. That’s all it is. You can’t war your way to a robust economy.
We really should be fighting those Japanese.
Alex Jones — Civil War
Alex Jones: THEY’RE COMING FOR OUR SLAVES!!!! THOSE NORTHERN BLOODED COCKSUCKERS ARE GOING TO SQUEEZE THE GODDAMNED VIRILITY RIGHT OUT OF OUR STRONG AMERICAN BLOOD BY TAKING OUR LIFEFORCE AWAY! What do they intend to do with our slaves, you ask? Give them the right to vote! Act as citizens? THIS IS MADNESS! With that, the freedman might vote us into slavery! WHITE SLAVERY! We have to fight this reverse racism BEFORE IT REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD AND ATTACKS THE SOUTH! What’s next? The women too? They want the women to vote? Next they’ll be letting them work, and join the militias! Not in our country! LINCOLN…and I mean this…IS LITERALLY THE ANTI-CHRIST! Excuse me! He will come with the mark of the beast: THE MARK OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY! THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS THE PARTY OF THE DEVIL! I feel like I am screaming into thin air! We need to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! SECESSION IS THE ONLY OPTION! WE MUST SECEDE or the devil wins, that’s it!
And the best way to defend against the devil, TO BE VIRILE! TO BE A MAN! Is to buy my Southern Rattler Snake oil! Just thirty five cents a bottle! FIGHT THE YANKEE! BLEED REBEL BLOOD!
