Absent Today
Have you ever been there yet absent at the same time?
I mean you see me across the room, clear as day, typing at my laptop, breathing the warm air of a coffee shop, and blinking every few seconds. You could touch my arm and feel my goosebumps — I’m right there.
Now if I ask you to look into my eyes, at the black pupils floating in a blue pool, would you still think I was there? My body remains, but where did I go?
In all honesty, I do not really know. The best way I can describe my current state of being is as if I am playing a game of hide-and-go-seek by myself. I can not win no matter how hard I try; no matter where I look I am unable to find anything more than a blank reflection in the mirror.
I feel like an old fashion cocktail; I try to cover my bitterness by garnishing my lips with orange and cherry chapstick. But cover-ups can only work for so long, for when people reach the bottom of my glass, they are finally able to taste my malaise and despondency. What a tragic form of existence.
But sometimes it takes
an anxiety attack,
an epiphany,
a mental crash,
a phone call with your mother,
a public restroom tear session,
to understand your priorities are in the wrong place.
And then comes the part where you admit to yourself that it was you who did this. Yes, the world can be a harsh reminder of your minor significance. Yes, the world can also make your eyes fill like a tub and flow down your cheeks like its calcified drain. Yes, people do not always act the way you want them to and days do not play out the way you had hoped they would. But, in the end, you choose who you are. No one else has control over you, which is such a blessing in disguise.
I came to this realization when I asked myself a simple question: am I happy?
I mean yes, of course I am. I smile, I laugh, I go to sleep at night tired from a long day comprised of shenanigans and one-of-a-kind memories. Yet, here I am understanding I am not happy. First of all, I had to ask for an extension on my article because I was so focused on work and school and money and material things. Not just any extension…I think it adds up to maybe a month?
To put things into perspective, how many hours did I aimlessly scroll through Instagram this past week? Hmmm. Return those moments back to me and I could have easily written twenty-five books. (Sorry, Homer. I could out-do you.) Okay, okay, let’s be real here, though. I could die tomorrow. Would the last fire of my neurons be about the symbolic blue curtains in some school writing assignment I turned in three minutes too late? Would the last image in my brain be of the test I got an eighty-four percent on? Would the last words between my lips be “I wish I would have not spent my money on avocado toast today”? Would the final twitch of my fingers be painful because they are chipped and displaying the wear of six-day-old nail polish? Probably not.
The importance of being present is an essential foundation for being mindful, but getting caught up in every split second is not worth it. A single moment prompts an assemblage of consequences, but to think it all has the same impact. No, just don’t. That time you stumbled in your heels or if you are a trail runner like me, thus instead tripped over a rock and ate some dirt, twigs, and cacti as you rolled down the mountain, that second, or I guess a couple of dramatic, quite rough seconds, did not define you. There is so much more to life than the mess ups. I mean those are my favorite moments to boast about at the dinner table, but those are like the cilantro you did not expect to taste in your salsa. (I dislike cilantro. No offense to anyone reading this.)
YOU DEFINE YOU. YOU CHOOSE YOU. YOU WERE GIVEN THE GIFT OF TIME. TAKE IT.
Do you like how I typed that in all bold, as well as in all caps to emphasize my point? If I would have typed that in normal font, I can guarantee that you would have not paused to evaluate those phrases and continued to skim like you have been doing for this entire article.
I want to remind you to pursue your passions during your leisure time, but then again, how can you do that if you never give yourself the gift of leisure? Why do I continually complain about not having enough time to complete my article? Time is the one thing all of us humans are given. To what extent? I cannot say. But who decides how I spend my time? Only me. So to waste each breath obsessing over how I do not have enough to satisfy my needs is quite selfish.
I leave you here with this mediocre article that hopefully made you think twice about how you are going to spend your next hour today.
