Here I am, sad.

“You always find good in the worst of people–
pause.
And that is the reason you are sad.”

Who would have ever thought that seeing people as good would be the problem? That believing people to be genuine creatures with positive intentions-
That maybe that person had a rough Wednesday morning–
Or maybe just didn’t get enough sleep — 
Maybe found themselves stressed with work — 
and that the cruelness in their actions was not actually them,
but was instead the shitty situation they were placed in.
Their brain might be discombobulated from the wear and tear of life, but deep down, you whisper to yourself
“I know their thoughts are good.”

But I casted myself the role of the fool-
and now, at this moment in time, I am sad.

But how can I complain when I brought the sadness upon myself?

Yet to not trust others, to participate in the game of life with the assumption that every player is against you… now that’s just a rough kind of existence. Is there a happy medium or something?
If so, what is it?
Where do I find it?
Is there any way for me to see a person’s true intentions?
Or will I continue to travel this path, tripping and stumbling with encounter after encounter?

I love people. I am fascinated by them. I thrill over their stories & rave over their passions and fancy their wild ideas. I believe in them. I see the glow in their eyes, feel the drive in their voice, sense the everlasting impact their single soul can have on this world..

But that’s one more reason I am sad.

You know when a person has the ability to do good, to use their energy in a beautiful manner, but they choose to ignore the saturation they were born with and do wrong instead.

I’m not referring to the extremes… not the murder, the rape, the crimes, but the words…
the people who left you with blurry vision and damp cheeks, the people who left you feeling like a piece of shit
…and worthless.

The people who let you down.
Who chose not to apologize for the words that stabbed you in the heart…
who chose to continue their days with the fact that what they have done wasn’t very nice…

And truly what a burden it is to carry those moments in their back pocket, weighing their presence down. They might not even notice it for a while, honestly. But eventually they’ll get tired. Negativity is quite exhausting on the joints. The strength held during one’s innocent youth will deteriorate the same way an old vehicle rusts.

But here, I am still here.

I am a fool for agreeing to meet for coffee with the hope that you’d apologize.

I am weighed down by sadness.

It’s funny. We give some people every chance to make amends, but they walk right over our limp bodies, not even caring that we haven’t been buried properly.

No, I’m not telling you to lose hope in humanity. I think I’ll always see the best in the absolute worst people. It’s definitely a flaw of mine and maybe it will take a few more rips in my heart for me to finally change my mind about it.

BUT HEY NOW.

It’s truly important to value yourself enough to the point that if some toxic person sashays into your temple, you don’t ever hand them the matches. If they try to burn you down, remind yourself that some people were never taught how to handle fire.

And yes, it’s okay to be sad that not all people have your best interest…

— but what more can we do about it?

I do not have closure for you today. I am in the search for it myself.

Photo Credit: Riley Irwin
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