I Recognize This Walk
Déjà vu.
I had been in this exact place a year ago, wandering these trails without a desired destination. This summer, the pathways were embellished with all shades of greens, which were shadowed by the Ponderosa pines that watched me from above.
The amount that has changed in the previous year leaves me astonished and quite discombobulated in my brain. I mean the highest highs and the lowest lows of the past 365 days have all taken its toll on my body. I hope these moments have pollinated my soul, resulting in the growth of an efficacious individual.
How can one tell that they have bloomed rather than wilted? I promised myself this spring that I would burgeon and even when all of the plants fell limp, I would still find a way to thrive. Even if my sun was absent, and I was unable to bask in its rays and bathe my skin with its warmth, I would keep my head held up and eyes focused in the direction I wanted to go.
But how can I confirm that I did? How do I confirm that not only I did this, but also that I was successful? Here I am in the exact same place that I had started, walking on this exact same trail aimlessly with the exact same purpose of finding an answer in nature.
I recognized the pit in my stomach that had invoked me to escape to the wilderness, to conciliate my demons, and to restore homeostasis to my emotions from before.
Something was different this time, though. No, it was not just the fact that this time I made the shrewd decision to put sunscreen on since I was going to be outside. That is honestly worth a fist bump, but then again, I forgot to put some sunscreen on my hairline, which I later discovered when the boiling water (I contently choose to shower in) came into contact with my raw scalp. Oh, trust me when I say… it stung to the point of tearing down my shower curtain and dramatically falling naked onto the tile.
It was in each step as I raised one knee and then firmly dropped it to the dirt. The difference was my attitude. I was going to end this walk by acknowledging what I love about myself rather than what I hate. That I am completely full here in my solitude; another person would simply enhance it. That I have so much going for me and to waste time by sulking about what I do not have will only enervate what I do have. That I am independent and self-sufficient but still choose to reach out to others to fulfill my emotional needs. That I avidly search for positive vibes rather than let my self rot in negativity. That I make at least one other human smile that day while respecting that I am a human who deserves to smile, as well.
This past year I have absolutely scrapped my knee a few times, but those are experiences we heal from. It is choosing to jump back up on your bike after losing your balance that molds the spirit into something extraordinary.
