I’m Obsessed With My Nails, But It’s Not Because Of My Vanity
Over the past few months, I’ve become obsessed with painting my nails. Religiously, once a week, after every Sunday shower, my nails, much like that of a chameleon, change their color to fit the mood of their painter. Dark purple. Bright purple. Red. Silver. Iced mauve. Painting my nails is a way for me to openly express my personality and feel confident in doing so than in other forms of expression such as my clothes or hair. But it also goes much deeper than that, as I recently discovered after some self-reflection.
I’ve been suffering from an undiagnosed chronic health condition since October 2018. In January, the condition began to manifest itself mentally as well as physically. Depression. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Feelings of being overwhelmed and extremely stressed. Work. School. Life. It wasn’t until one of my most recent anxiety episodes and feelings of stress that I realized WHY I’ve become obsessed with my nails. It’s not just about vanity and wanting to have beautiful, polished nails. That’s certainly part of it, but it’s more about the feeling of control and a way to temporarily decrease stress.
When I’m painting my nails, I’ve just gotten out of the shower and settled into my pajamas. My headphones are in, an ASMR video plays in the background, and the repetitive motion of the brush on my nails allows me to zone out and relax. It’s also the only ‘ME’ time I get when I’m home and not working; it’s become somewhat of a routine. It’s also gotten to the point where if I don’t paint my nails, I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Naked, almost. It makes me uncomfortable not to have polish on my nails and to refrain from that Sunday night routine which in turn, of course, triggers my anxiety.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Associate of America (ADAA), anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. and affects 40 million adults 18 years of age and up, or just over 18% of the population, each year. Anxiety can manifest itself in a variety of ways and can cause symptoms such as fatigue, restlessness, lack of concentration, fear, worry, insomnia, and the urge to avoid the things, situations or individuals that cause the anxiety to begin with.
For me, it’s waking up in the middle of the night, unable to breathe, and feeling my heart racing inside my chest. It’s being irritable for no apparent reason and not being able to sleep because my brain is literally going a thousand miles per minute. It’s the manifestation of my white coat syndrome in which I now break out in hives when going for a routine, out-patient procedure because it reminds me of my mother’s health scare over a year and a half ago. It’s the feeling of flames licking at each of my joints, causing unbearable pain. And it’s now my obsession with my nails.
I wish that I could say in realizing why I’m suddenly obsessed with having long, beautiful (or at least polished) nails I would feel some type of relief. I do… and yet I don’t. I’ve realized why I’ve been more involved with my nails which is great because it means I’m aware of what’s happening inside of my brain but at the same time, I don’t know how to stop being so involved with them. I’m seeking more creative outlets for my anxiety, including coming back as a writer with Coffee House Writers and re-branding my blog, but I’m also looking at other alternative solutions as well. Exercise, herbal teas in place of my usual caffeine consumption, a more plant-based diet, talking therapy (don’t knock it till you’ve tried it), and so on. To say whether or not these methods will work and I can finally give up my obsession with my nails remains to be seen, but only time will tell.
