Inside the Struggles of my Invisible Ilness(es)
Daily challenges that can often be debilitating.
As I sit here and write this, I’m really stalling on everything else I need to be doing. I have a few tasks to complete and a million thoughts replaying through my brain at once. These two things are causing the perfect storm inside my head and have rendered me unable to function. Those looking from the outside may perceive this as straight up laziness or procrastination, but it’s much more than both of those.
The way my brain works is as if it is constantly in overdrive. The struggle inside of myself makes me exhausted — as if I am in a literal battle. I over think, over-react sometimes, get overly emotional, get the over trend here? Sometimes, I just get over it in general. I will get so tired of feeling like I can’t function to just succumbing to sleep because I cant focus and my body becomes exhausted from trying to do so.
I realized I’ve had these similar struggles ever since just around the time I entered high school. It wasn’t until recently everything started making sense to me. I have adult ADHD. However, I don’t only have ADHD, I have anxiety/depression and a few other symptoms of other things. As you can imagine, I have good days and bad days, and then I can be on the extreme of each end of the spectrum.
I will have days where I can’t stop, and just keep going and going. If I’m not physically going, my brain is and telling me to get going. It will tell me to do a multitude of things and I won’t be able to hone in on what exactly I should be doing. I will talk a million miles an hour, complete tons of tasks (out of order and not all at once), and probably come off rude because I’m cutting you off while talking. I will be in a conversation with you, and you will be talking to me, but I won’t hear anything you’re saying. My brain is processing other things, and not because I don’t want to be present, it just happens.
I’m very forgetful, which has gotten worse over recent years. Sometimes I want to cry for no reason, and sometimes I feel elated and motivated for no reason. If you think it’s hard to keep up with me, just imagine how it feels for me to try to keep up with myself. My brain will randomly go to outlandish thoughts, things you wouldn’t even see in movies, launching me into a state of daydreaming out of nowhere. I will stare off and be somewhere else, most likely because I lost interest in what is going on — or because there is nothing going on for my brain to focus on.
I’m not always in a low functioning state though. I have learned that when my anxiety is heightened, it enhances my ADHD symptoms. This is also true for my depression. It’s so hard to find a balance of normal, especially when it’s hard to even know what “normal’ is. Self awareness and figuring out my triggers has been the best thing I could do for myself. As normal as stress is, I have learned it’s a huge trigger for me. I have also learned I’m high functioning under a great amount of stress, but it’s short lasting and the crash and burn is messy. It’s a double-edged sword.
Some of the things I have found that help me to try and reduce my stress, which reduces symptoms, are keeping a well organized planner. I write in it every day and live by it, which helps me to feel motivated and like I’m achieving something. The problem I have run into though, is I will over commit myself to myself in a day, then feel bad because it causes me to shut down. However, I’m working on being kind to myself.
I’ve been allowing myself more time in the mornings so I’m not rushing, which helps me to stay calm overall. I try to practice grounding mechanisms for when I feel panic rising, or I’m unable to focus. Breathing techniques, sitting on my hands, standing in a hot shower and letting the water run over me — those are all things that work. For my brain to focus, I try to zero in on something that really interests me to get my stimuli under control. For example, writing this is helping to calm down my thoughts and preparing me to complete the task I am supposed to be working on.
There are so many people walking around with these or similar diagnoses, and people who have these illnesses and don’t even know it. You never know what someone is going through by just looking at them, so be mindful when you go to cast judgements. Those who can come across as put together can actually be living with struggles you wouldn’t be able to fathom.
Some days are more challenging than others, and it feels so frustrating when everything is out of balance. Feeling like your brain — and emotions — have taken the wheel is debilitating in different ways for different people. The best thing you can do is to become self aware and find someone to talk to who can understand, such as a therapist or support group. It’s important to have people who get it, as well as people who can’t quite understand it but love and support you.
Those of us who live with a daily struggle on the inside have extraordinary brains and are capable of doing monumental things. Be kind to yourself and love yourself, for you are not alone.
