Looking Back
Why it pays to glance back every now and again.
How many times have you heard that you shouldn’t look back because you’re not going that way? Probably about as many times as you’ve seen memes saying the same thing.
I don’t believe in living in the past. I don’t believe in allowing the past to dictate the future. I do, however, think it pays to remember the things that caused you pain, trauma, and heartache. I believe you should keep those things in mind that caused you mental breakdowns. Why? Because if you remember, you’re less likely to allow the same thing(s) that brought you to those days of pain to drag you down again. This is especially true for victims of domestic violence.
When the Pain Was Fresh
Just as plainly as I’m sitting here typing, I remember the very first time my ex-husband slighted me. I had been in our marital home for less than 24 hours when he started complaining that I wasn’t clean enough. I had been there less than 24 hours. I was still so tired from the ride to Colorado and just want ed to rest, but he thought I should have been cleaning.
He had gotten the place for us three months before we got married, but had only taken time to clean the toilet before he came to get me. There had to have been a solid inch of grease on the stove-top when I got there. I overheard him on the phone saying to his mom, “She’s so dirty. She hasn’t cleaned up one time.” I was mortified. My feelings were destroyed. Of course, I tried to defend myself to him and his mom. His mom said, “Oh, he’s just used to the way his mama does stuff. He’s used to a clean house.” Yeah, that was her response when I called her crying.
Then I called my mom. She chewed him out for not bringing me to a clean house in the first place and told him that if he’d been looking for a maid, he should have hired one.
When the Numbness Sets In
By the time we relocated to Dallas, the numbness had long sense set in. I couldn’t cry about anything except matters that concerned my son. When one of my best friends died, I cried once. I only cried once upon finding out. There was just nothing left after all those years of abuse.
The re-awaking after the numbness was just a painful as the actual pain itself. Why? How? Because I was forced to face many of the things my broken mind and spirit had ignored for so long. I missed celebrating the lives of two of my uncles because I never really acknowledged their deaths. I let their passings roll right off my back like water off a duck’s back. I loved them with my whole heart, but I had become so stoic and disconnected, I couldn’t feel anything.
Remembering
For me, remembering those days of pain quickly reminds me that I never want to revisit the hell that is the biggest part of abuse. I never want to feel the pain of being verbally abused again in this lifetime. I never want to be so beaten down mentally and emotionally that one day melts into another. I never want to be so numb that I can’t tell life from death. I recognize the signs of an abuser now and refuse to become a part of that cycle ever again, because I remember what it feels like to be pummeled with the hatred that’s reserved for domestic violence/abuse.
Moving Forward
Glance in that rearview mirror every now and again so that you’re aware of where you came from. See clearly the actions of another that caused you near unbearable pain. You don’t want to go back there. Head forward, but remember where you came from.
