My Diet
Big changes for me are like a diet. They’re only temporary. Instead of actually changing the way I eat for good. I follow a diet which means I only change until I achieve my goal and then come the doughnuts. The doughnuts being my old habits like never leaving my house or not being able to hold a job. Speaking of jobs, I did hold one but not for long. It was almost as if I simply did it to appear as if I were getting better.
It’s the same with the ballet and the driving and the leaving the house. They’re only temporary. I’ll make some progress, but the minute I stop therapy I’m right back there sitting at home wishing and dreaming. My therapist, being my nutritionist or my personal trainer, but the second they’re out of the picture I start consuming Cheetos. I’m not proud of any of this, and I don’t know why it’s hard for me to make permanent big changes.
When I have someone coaching me on the sidelines, it’s easy, but when I’m on my own, I find it so difficult to stay the course. I feel like if I don’t have constant prodding, I will slip back into old habits. The saying goes, old habits die hard, when mine do die they somehow are resurrected when my therapist is gone.
Changing permanently takes an enormous amount of discipline, another quality I lack. Just like changing the way you eat takes discipline, it’s like being a certain way your entire life and then trying to give yourself a makeover, only this makeover is seemingly more difficult. Dieting changes the way you look. Therapy will hopefully change the way you act. In my case, I’m trying to do both.
Exercise tires your body, in other words, your flesh. Therapy in a sense tires your mind, body and soul. I’ve come home from therapy sessions in the past and gone straight to bed. Other times I’ve come home feeling highly content and happy. Therapy is more like an exorcism. Changing things from the inside out, in turn, I’m sure if I were to lose weight I would become slightly different on the outside, maybe more confident. I’m sure changing both my insides and my outsides would be the most beneficial.
I think the reason people choose to diet is because it’s not a permanent change. After they have achieved the result they desire, they can easily fall back into their comfortable routine. Maybe that’s the very reason my big changes are all so temporary. For me to change, really change, it would take a small miracle in my eyes.
Another challenge to my big changes would be the truth that I don’t really like to work to achieve goals. I would rather they just be handed out. It’s a nightmare for me to read the driving manual knowing I will probably never get my license.
It’s hard for me to admit all of this but sometimes I think it’s an act and I don’t really want to change. Just like everything else, it’s a show to convince myself I’m trying to make myself better. I’m not saying this is a conscious reality it’s just an observation. I am hesitant to believe it’s a truth. Maybe it’s as I’ve said before I want to change I just don’t want to work for it. What I do know to be a definite truth is that I need therapy right now like I need air. I need someone to help me make a permanent big change and not fall backwards into doughnuts. The problem with my comfortable routine is that it is comfortable just like junk food. Switching from doughnuts to chicken and fish can be uncomfortable. Just like going out as opposed to staying in can be uncomfortable. Someday I hope to stop dieting and to start changing the way I eat as well as act. However uncomfortable it may be at first.
