Nocturnal Nonsense

I’m in a coffee shop. Black and no room. There, I typed away for 36 minutes, and I’m sure you can figure out what sort of blog post came from another one of my sporadic (aka unorganized and discombobulated) revelations….

Is it truly a good idea to read the “insight” of a 19 year old girl who has denied herself the option of ever again watching romantic comedies solely because she’s too afraid of desiring such bliss?

Pathetic, I know.

(I SWEAR I DIDN’T STEAL THAT SENTENCE FROM AN EMOTIONAL GIRL ON TUMBLR… I MEAN PSSHHH I HAVE SOME DIGNITY).

My twin sister, Tori, has begged me to watch La La Land with her a million times (no joke), but for some extremely peculiar reason–

I just can’t.

The entire thing makes me sound so dramatic, but I don’t know. This is me attempting to protect myself..from what? Once again, I don’t really know. But I’d much rather grasp ever ounce of happiness than allow it to slip away from my hands.

I find it incredibly challenging to talk about “love.” I don’t understand the concept at all, and as soon as I finally think I know what I am feeling, I then realize I’m a clueless human. Is it the idea of a person bringing me this immense joy? Or is their contagious smile simply fueling my extrovert self? Or is my passion and sense of wonder regarding people disguising itself as romantic feelings?

There are distinct individuals we come in contact with throughout life and by chance our paths crossed at the same time in the same place… and the potential of making something out of that coincidental encounter was an opportunity well seized. At that moment, we don’t think twice about the small talk exchanged, but about the significance of introducing yourself, whether it be with a locked gaze or a first name, can not be stressed more.

However, I’m not entirely convinced the whole “love at first sight” thing is legitimate. Yes, our heart rate might suddenly rise & goosebumps might suddenly race along our arms, but this isn’t the result of being “in love.” It’s like a symptom, I guess. Honestly, I think it’s more of a certain curiosity that leaves us staring in awe, quietly intrigued.

There’s a particular kind of love that we experience in the dark. I’m calling it “nocturnal nonsense.” I have yet to find anything more enlightening than having a genuine conversation with someone at night. Without the sun’s rays, one must not use their eyes for sight, but instead they must develop a new method of vision. The answers to the mind-boggling questions we puzzle over aren’t hidden in the world around us, but inside of our bloodstream. When the darkness takes away the usual escape route, the topic cues, the suggestions on what to say next, we are forced to recognize our own individual, pure thoughts. Vision is established through our authentic voices. When I ask you your favorite color, I don’t want you pointing up at the sky & telling me “blue.” That’s not you. With darkness, you must revive the memory of that turquoise coffee cup with the chipped paint and deterioration you choose to disregard, still placing it on the front of your shelf like a trophy. That’s the nonsense that makes blue your favorite color.

As ridiculous as it sounds, we see the greatest in the places that we can’t see.

At first, the conversation might taste a bit stale, but I promise you that pulling apart the words of the most complex people… that’s how you open your third eye. Falling in love is discovering a perspective that you didn’t even know existed.

Falling in love is when a stranger introduces you to yourself.

There I was, strolling the streets, fixed on a particular direction in life, doing my own thing. But someone caught me off guard, making me realize that I’d been walking in circles the entire time. That someone made me feel like I was a foreigner in the town that had kept my heart pumping for 19 years now. The questions they asked to examine who I was as a person – that was how I actually met Riley. When I finally came to terms with the fact that I had so much to learn about myself, I became overwhelmed. I felt neurotic. I felt confused and frustrated, while simultaneously entranced & fascinated. Such feelings are mentally exhausting, but the amount I was taught was immeasurable. Incomparable. Worth it.

The variety of views we can attain without moving an inch is something we don’t take advantage of enough. As I said before, I’m no expert on love, but today I determined that it’s powerful. Probably underestimated often. Probably not recognized often.

And is most clear to our eyes in the dark.

Photo credit: Riley Irwin
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