Prayer, OCD, And Feeling Not Good Enough
In 1999 I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and agoraphobia. Since then my diagnosis has changed to bipolar disorder I, borderline personality disorder, and agoraphobia. However, my psychiatrist says I still have OCD tendencies. They are especially present when I pray.
When I pray for something, like for instance just to give you an example, I recently prayed that when I do decide to have children (which won’t be for a while) that they not have any handicaps. I felt terrible for praying for this. My reasoning was I’m forty and I won’t be ready for a while, and I just worry with my advanced age statistically the chances are higher there could be something wrong with the child. In my head though I felt like God was going to punish me by giving me a handicapped child. And that I’d burn in hell forever. It’s the crazy way an OCD brain works. Don’t misunderstand me, if I were to have a handicapped child I wouldn’t love him/her any less.
It all stems from my low self-esteem and feeling not good enough. I feel like whatever I pray for God will give me the opposite and then when I die send me straight to hell simply for wanting a normal life and praying for things that everyone wants. I always feel there’s someone more deserving, someone who needs it more than me, so where does that leave me?
It’s strange to me the way God works sometimes. Sometimes he answers your prayers, sometimes he doesn’t, sometimes right away, sometimes not for years. It’s a complete mystery and not one for us to understand.
As far as my OCD and praying goes, I have to remember that I’m just as deserving as the next person. I’ll leave you with two quotes about prayer, “Thank God for unanswered prayers.” Garth Brooks. And, “Whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive.” “If you have faith.” The Bible Matthew 21:22
