Reasons “13 Reasons Why” Had to Go There
Opinions from an almost Hannah Baker
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains information on depression, anxiety, self-harm, rape, and bullying. If you are sensitive to these topics, please read with caution.
This article also contains spoilers from both seasons of “13 Reasons Why,” so if you have not watched it yet, or have not finished, stop reading now.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch “13 Reasons Why” for the longest time, so I am a little behind the craze. I had heard stories about the covered content, and I wasn’t sure I could handle watching the show without it stirring up some truly horrific moments from my past. It’s not something I often talk about, but I struggled with many of the issues addressed in the show. In my late teens and early 20s, I battled depression and anxiety. The situations and events in my life led to some pretty toxic and addictive behavior. I am not proud of this, however, I know that I am not alone. It’s a sad fact, but the truth is, more people struggle with these issues than you realize.
As a teen, I began cutting myself on a pretty consistent basis. For me, cutting was about feeling like I was in control of something in a world where my life felt so out of control. I went through periods where I was able to fight my urges. Unfortunately, like any other addiction, those urges kept coming back. The cutting behavior followed me into adulthood, and when that no longer satisfied my need to numb and control, I began drinking incessantly.
2010 brought me two different sexual assaults. This convinced me that sex was the only thing that made me special. I became addicted to men, to love. The only time I felt valued was when I was on my back, in bed with someone who pretended to care for 30 minutes. They were wolves in the night disguised as boyfriends. I was desperately searching for anyone to love me, to see my worth. I found myself in relationship after relationship with men who cheated and lied. I guess you cannot expect anyone to value you when you stop valuing yourself. I tried going to therapy. It worked for a while, until it didn’t. Or rather, until I quit going.
Recognize that often times, the people who appear the strongest are usually battling the biggest demons.
Undoubtedly, my lowest times were those moments where I found myself laying on the bathroom floor contemplating all of the ways I could kill myself. I felt like there was no other way to end my pain and the burden I had placed on the people I loved. I truly believed everyone would be better off without me. Then, I’d make myself a mental list, one which detailed all of the reasons why I couldn’t kill myself, much like what Hannah Baker had done. My son always made the top of that list. Despite all of my flaws and imperfections, he loved me unconditionally, for no reason other than the fact I was his mother. He needed me. Thankfully, I had enough fight left in me to fight for him, even when I no longer wanted to fight for myself. No matter what was going on with me internally, I was a good mom.
Many people were outraged by the graphic nature of the scenes and issues depicted in “13 Reasons Why.” Topics ranging from drug use and bullying, to rape, self-harm and, of course, suicide. The second season even touched on the very relevant topic of school shootings. There is a large group of people who feel as though this show is glorifying these senseless acts. That these difficult scenes are too much for the minds of adolescences and have the potential to plant seeds. While I respect those opinions, I would have to argue that the show is starting necessary conversations about the mental state of today’s youth. It uncovers the truth about what is really happening in the halls of these schools and makes us question what else we can be doing to prevent it. Because as much as we would like to ignore all of this and pretend as if the show is depicting a very exaggerated portrayal of teen life, I can assure you this is happening right under our noses.
Your child could be going through something similar right now.
There is a lot to be learned from watching this show. The change starts with us, the parents. Parents need to be talking to their kids and talking to them every day. Often times we take the words of our children at face value and fail to recognize the signs. A slip in grades, a change in or sudden loss of friendships, insomnia, loss of appetite, weight loss or gain, mood changes, frequent episodes of anxiety or stress, a change in self-esteem, or the refusal to go to school or participate in activities they once loved, are just a few of the signs that could indicate there is a problem. Pay attention to the people they are surrounding themselves with. But more importantly, stay involved, stay interested, and stay vigilant. Many times we can get wrapped up in the stresses of daily life that we become complacent with our children. Hannah’s parents were not at fault, but they missed many key indicators that their daughter was struggling.
On that same note, school administrators can and should be watching for these same signs. Parents entrust the lives of their children into the hands of their teachers, principal, and school counselors, every single day. We cannot attend school with our kids, so the expectation is that the teachers and faculty will take all means necessary to keep them safe. To be our eyes and ears when we cannot be present. To help guide them and mold them. Furthermore, they need to be vigilant about taking all reports of bullying and harassment seriously. Teachers are often times put into tricky situations where they are expected to follow very specific protocols, protocols that make it difficult to help their students, and as a result, the students struggling with mental health issues or bullying are falling through the cracks.
School boards and administration need to take a look at the protocols and make necessary changes to better allow their teachers to advocate and protect our children.
“13 Reasons Why” shows just how serious the implications of bullying can be. It isn’t simply fun and games. Your words and actions leave marks on the people around you. That punch, shove, rumor spread, or slut-shame can be the last thing that pushes someone over the edge. Our negative actions towards others have serious consequences and we need to be held accountable for those. Witnessing bullying and doing nothing is just as bad as the act itself. This was represented many times throughout the show, by all of the people who failed to come forward and advocate for Hannah when she felt she couldn’t come forward herself. Our kids need to know that if they see something, say something. Continue to say something, until someone listens.
There were some very horrific sexual assaults depicted throughout the show, and although they were difficult to watch, I think it touches on some very important topics. For starters, it shows just how many sexual assaults go unreported and how many of the offenders get away with virtually no punishment, if any. We live in a society where it is easier to victim shame than to prosecute the guilty. A society where someone convicted of rape gets a slap on the wrist and six months probation. Speaking as a victim of sexual assault, the thing that deterred me from reporting these men, was the fear that no one would believe me.
Something needs to change if we want victims to be brave enough to step forward. The system is broken.
Another important message regarding rape is that just because you are in a relationship with someone, does not mean they own your body. It does not give them the right to touch you or have sex with you without your consent. In the second season, Chloe is raped by her boyfriend Bryce. He makes the excuse that she knowingly got drunk, they were dating, and she clearly wanted it. However, she was never conscious enough to make that decision. This shows teens that despite being in a relationship with someone, there is still a clear distinct line between consent and sexual assault. Consent is important no matter how the relationship is defined. No one has the right to your body but you.
The most crucial piece I took away in regards to rape, is that rape does not only happen to females, it happens to males too. The brutal bathroom attack on Tyler at the end of the second season was one of the most difficult scenes to watch. I believe that is because many people do not often think of males as being victims of sexual assault, so it is much more shocking than watching a female rape scene. According to RAINN, one of the largest anti-sexual violence organizations, 1 out of every 10 rape victims are in fact male. So the ugly reality is, this does happen, and in order to help these male victims, we need to start having conversations to bring this to light.
Males should not feel afraid or ashamed to come forward and report it. Maybe if we break the stigma, more would.
What impacted me the most while watching “13 Reasons Why,” was seeing all of the pain that Hannah left behind. Often times when someone is suicidal they do not think of how it will impact the ones that love them. The only thing they can focus on is the pain they are feeling in that moment. For me, I felt as though everyone in my life would be better off without me. I thought maybe no one would even really miss me. Realistically, a lot of people would have been impacted forever by a hasty decision. When you take your own life, it has a ripple effect. The pain and the agony that you felt trickles down to the ones that you loved, and then to the ones that love them. We leave our world a much more broken place. It was powerful to see and it made me feel like I would never want to put my family and friends through that.
I’m here to tell you that life does get better.
Whatever you are going through, you can dig your way out of it. Ask for help. There are people that care, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Whatever you are going through today won’t seem as bad tomorrow, but you just have to hang on a little longer.
Don’t let your story end in tragedy. You still have time to make a beautiful life.
If you aren’t personally struggling with something internally, take the initiative to check in with your loved ones. Reach out and lend a helping hand to your friends and family. Tell them how you feel often and let them know just how much you care. That quick phone call or text could change someone’s day. Say hello to a stranger on the street. Your warm smile could save a life without you even knowing it. Teachers engage with your students; parents talk to your kids and do it often. Recognize that often times, the people who appear the strongest are usually battling the biggest demons.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or have been sexually assaulted, please refer to the links below:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1–800–273–8255
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1–800–656–4673
For more information on bullying and prevention, please visit www.stopbullying.gov
