Seeking Dynamic, Can-Do Self-Starter
If you have been job hunting lately, you are probably used to seeing postings that go something like this (altered only slightly from an actual job advertised on Indeed):
We are seeking driven, outcome-oriented Client Engagement Specialists to join our Client Success team. Client Engagement Specialists are the ultimate experts on our products. They collaborate with Engagement Managers to capture market demand and user needs for inclusion.
Well, thanks. That cleared that up.
Why, you may wonder, aren’t job ads written in straightforward English? Why, instead, are they a huge jumble of jargon that seems like it was created by a random buzzword generator?
Sadly, I don’t have a good answer to this question. Perhaps this is some sort of petty power play by HR managers — trying to keep applicants guessing about what the hell kind of job they are actually applying for. Perhaps the people writing the job listings are not terribly clear, themselves, on why a particular job even exists. And perhaps, these job descriptions are written by self-important jerks who are in love with the sound of their own voices.
Whatever the reason, it is helpful to be fluent in business jargon, if you are applying for jobs. So, I have created a handy translation tool, to help you decipher some of the most common buzzwords.
Team player: We want someone who never says “no.”
Strong work ethic: It’s okay to occasionally have some sort of life outside the office. Just don’t make a habit of it.
Superior organizational skills: Our office is a hot mess. We need someone to fix it.
This is a legitimate opportunity: This is not a legitimate opportunity.
Self-starter: We don’t have time to tell you how we want things done. We only have time to complain when you do them wrong.
Come join a team of great people: Our office staff is made up of people.
Works proactively: We want someone who can read minds. (See: self-starter.)
We are an industry leader: You have never heard of us. If you had, we wouldn’t have to tell you that we are an industry leader.
Fun office environment: We sometimes have Hawaiian Shirt Day.
Professional appearance: We never have Hawaiian Shirt Day.
Other duties as assigned: This is the person on whom we dump all the random shit that no one else wants to do. Like cleaning out the refrigerator.
Fast-paced (also “fast-pace”) environment: Our employees like to stride purposefully through the office, so it looks like they are busy. This way, no one asks them to do any more work.
Detail-oriented: You spotted all the grammatical and spelling errors in this job posting. (See: “fast-pace.”)
Customer-focused: You are good at faking empathy.
Functional knowledge of contemporary office machines: You can show the boss how to make double-sided copies. Again.
Excellent time management skills: You own a Tardis.
Ability to juggle multiple tasks: You can carry eleven coffees back from Starbucks, without spilling any.
Dynamic Office Environment: We rearrange the desks every six weeks.
Socially conscious: We recycle. Oh, and I think the CEO is on the waiting list for a Tesla.
Outgoing: What we really want is someone friendly and polite. Somehow we got the idea in our heads that this is synonymous with “extroverted.” Thus, we have ended up with an office where nobody ever shuts up long enough to get any real work done.
Can-do attitude: If we are a cutesy-poo kind of workplace, we might phrase this as No Negative Nellies. [I have seen this phrase used in real-life job postings.] It means that you really, really don’t want to work here.
Energetic: Federal law prohibits us from saying that we only want to hire young people. We hope that this term discourages anyone over 35 from applying.
Computer savvy: You know how to do that thing with PowerPoint where it looks like curtains opening on a stage. Because that thing is, like, super cool.
Excellent interpersonal skills: Please, no assholes. We have enough of those already.
