Self-Harm: Why I Cut
******TRIGGER WARNING******
I have a borderline personality disorder, and one symptom of that disorder is cutting. There isn’t just one reason why I cut. Sometimes I become very numb, and I cut to feel something. There’s a meme that goes “Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, drowning or dying of thirst.” That’s a pretty good quote for borderlines. We feel everything or nothing at all. When I’m in a numb state, I cut so I can feel anything, even if it is physical pain.
Now, onto the second part of why I cut. Sometimes I cut because I’m feeling too much, and I need a release from the emotions. Now, I know there are healthier ways to release emotions, but for us borderlines, we never learned appropriate ways to deal with our emotions. So, I cut to release all that’s pent up inside. The anger, sadness, jealousy, and self-loathing. So, you see I’m either drowning beneath the waves or dying of thirst. It’s a horrible way to live.
There is another, the more private reason I cut, and that’s to feel pleasure. I noticed the first time I cut I felt pleasure from it. This is not an easy thing for me to admit. I have talked about it in counseling. It was a concern for them as it can be dangerous. I don’t recommend cutting to anyone, and if you have a problem with it, I urge you to seek counseling as I have.
There are healthier ways to feel the pain that ease both my symptoms and satisfy my need for pleasure. I’m sure you can Google or guess what they are.
I’m not ashamed of my history with cutting. I’m proud of myself for getting over it and finding healthier tools to use to get through my day.
For additional information on Self-Harm please read Distraction Techniques and Alternative Coping Strategies by the Cornell Research Program.
