The Alternate Reality Of Us
I know
that you know
what you’ve done
You helped me feel again and
now I wish I couldn’t
But I don’t mind,
because there’s this trick I know
that helped me bridge the distance between us
so I could make something
of the way the rubble hit the earth after we collapsed,
using the wreckage to build my own castle without you
You see,
that’s all I know how to do
At least for right now
At least at the moment in time
you’re reading this
For a little while,
we thought we had finally found
what we had been doing so poorly without
Our heartstrings tied themselves into foolish knots,
our lights only leading us further into the dark
Somebody broke you long before I looked across the bar
and took hold of you
But I liked the pattern the damage had made,
tattooed in your eyes like sudden lightening
You think you’re so strong
refusing to listen to your heart
I think it’s stronger to follow your heart,
even if it leads you through things
you never wanted to feel
Go if that’s where it wants to go
Be with it
Even if you’re terrified
Even if it’s set ablaze
while cradled in my arms,
letting the sunrise pour over it
while I delicately light my first cigarette,
and the kids are outside,
waiting for the bus,
watching what they’ll become
if they stop caring
I will always think of you,
and your hells,
and your lips
And how
for a brief second,
somewhere scattered in the first week,
I swear I saw you step back from the edge,
just a little bit,
but enough for me to realize that,
if this was all we ever had,
I would not be okay with it
I wonder if you’d have figured out
how to pull this off had you’d stayed
I wonder why I think
it should have been my responsibility
to make that happen
I wonder where you decided to go
and
I wonder if you’ll find yourself there
Maybe you need to unravel things,
things like,
somewhere on another star
this is not quite as evil as it feels for you and I
Maybe there is something cathartic and wonderous
about the version of us that held on
Something quite healing,
like your body pressing mine
against a cold window in December
Your passion escaping you
in short, hot breaths
Your hands leaving prints in the frost,
on my back,
in my heart,
only to disappear,
the way you seem to have done now
The problem wasn’t us
It was beyond what you can control
It was beyond your feelings of doubt
Beyond my intrusive thoughts
and
overbearing insecurities
But now I’m just another face
kissed and bruised,
loved and lost,
missing you,
in the sea of everyone else
