There’s a saying that no matter what we do in life, we’re seeking love. But what percentage of all intimate relationships and marriages have anything to do with love? How many are truly affectionate, supportive, meaningful, and how many are mere dependencies or destructive relationships?

The Dali Lama said that marriage is not about romance, but about service, compassion and sacrifice. Romance, though fun, distracting, exciting, is a fleeting, undependable thing, like putting a relationship on artificial life support, and can’t be counted on itself to sustain love. It takes much more than that for a relationship to endure. Romance is too easily dampened and spoiled by too many uncontrollable, mundane and unromantic things to make a marriage last, though good marriages have it too.

Another definition of marriage is, sharing each other’s pain. It sounds grim, but there’s something to this. Any two people can make it when the chips are up, champagne’s flowing, the money’s rolling in, but how about in sickness with unpaid bills and trials and tragedies?

I don’t claim to be a clinical marriage expert, but I've learned plenty about what makes a real marriage work and what makes it fail. Constant attention to it helps it thrive, I know. Inattention is the surest way to starve and suck it dry.

Putting yourself in the other person’s place as constantly as possible and bringing all your caring to bear is the best thing you can do. Listening with your heart will bring you closer. Being as unselfish as possible will pay off in many ways.

I could go on with a list of things to do and not to do, but these are the essentials to me. Loyalty, honesty and forgiveness are obviously needed. If you find someone who’ll do these things for you, and you do them for them, you can make genuine love last a lifetime. You can make love sing and grow and survive through the worst of times. But it has to be an equal sharing and equal bearing deal. It can’t be 90%-10%, it can’t be two children throwing fits for what they want, it takes real maturity to make a marriage last.

But when it does, it’s very worth it. After a point, in a good marriage, there is more joy, more contentment, better sex, more laughter, deeper appreciation of being with your best friend as opposed to being alone or with anyone else.

Two thirds of all marriages end in divorce, they say. It doesn't have to be that way for you, but you must be wise, and temperate, and patient, and forbearing to make the long run. You must cherish and respect and not be able to imagine being without your partner, and love them at least as much as you love yourself. Mutual service, compassion, and sacrifice, as the Dali Lama said, can bring you much happiness.

And then you have a real chance. After all the dues you've paid together, you cash in your winnings for peace and thankfulness.

Please click Recommend if this story spoke to you, thanks.

Ron Clinton Smith is a film actor, recently seen in True Detective, and writer of stories, songs, poetry, screenplays, and the novel Creature Storms.