Is There a Correct Way to Grieve?
Read ‘Crying in H Mart’ by Michelle Zauner to find out
My mother had struggled to understand me just as I struggled to understand her. Thrown as we were on opposite sides of the fault line — generational, cultural, linguistic — we wandered lost without a reference point, each of us unintelligible to the other’s expectations, until these past few years when we had just begun to unlock the mystery, carve the psychic space to accommodate each other, appreciate the differences between us, linger in our refracted commonalities.
To write a memoir such as this, an author has to relive their experiences and make them captivating for readers. While it is their choice to be an author, I tend to feel empathy because some view memoirs as just another story under their belt. Every reader has their own opinions, which is none of my business, but it formed this newfound appreciation in me toward memoirs.
Content warnings: Grieving family members, cancer, mentions of cheating and rape, descriptions of sickness, death.
Synopsis
Crying in H Mart follows Michelle Zauner as she navigates being Korean-American living in Oregon and her mother’s high expectations. The struggles don’t stop there when her mother is diagnosed with what the doctors thought was pancreatic cancer, but it turned out to be a rare form of stage IV squamous-cell carcinoma. Zauner has to cope with her grief while remaining strong for her mother, who unfortunately passes away. It’s a story full of food, sorrow, healing, and familial bonds.
About the author
If you don’t know anything about Michelle Zauner, she is currently the singer and guitarist in Japanese Breakfast. I recommend checking out her music when you can focus on the lyrics. She’s an incredible songwriter and has been playing music since she was a teenager.
Review
When I pick up a memoir, I want it to read like fiction. I don’t want an author to dump information on me about celebrities they know, how wealthy their parents were, or how they didn’t lift a finger to land a spot in Hollywood. I want honesty, raw emotion, and dedication. I look for why a story is essential for the world to know. Anyone can write a memoir about their mundane lives.
I enjoyed this one so much because it checked every box. It reads like Zauner’s personal diary that I shouldn’t be reading. The ebb-and-flow of the relationships in her life is reality. The difficulty connecting with her family because of the language barrier is a reality. Every food description in here had my mouth watering. I never wanted her story to end.
Michelle and her mother had a relationship unique to them, a bond carried to the grave. This bond is the definition of tough love, and Zauner provides examples of how difficult it was to please her mother. Being a musician wasn’t on the list of careers her mother wanted her to pursue, but I’m sure she would be proud if she were alive today. There was always a give-and-take with them.
The scenes where Michelle is in the hospital with her mom broke me. I can’t imagine watching my mother fade away in front of my eyes from a disease that makes no sense.
My own weight loss made me feel tied to her. I wanted to embody a physical warning — that if she began to disappear, I would disappear too.
Michelle tries to cheer up her mother in multiple ways, such as bringing her fresh pastries, telling her how pretty she looks even though she’s sick, and talking to her about what she thinks will happen after death.
The after-death conversation leads to the discussion of reincarnation. Michelle says her mother believed in reincarnation and that she did her absolute best to avoid spiritual conformity. I enjoy learning about different religions on my own time, but the last thing I want is someone shoving one down my throat. It’s one of the only times I could relate to her mother.
Final thoughts
I would grant this book all the stars in the universe, but I settled with a five-star rating. I don’t want to imagine a life without my mother, but this book proves it’s always possible. It’ll be a grueling process, but you can’t give up. It’s not what your mother would want you to do. If you keep her in your heart, mind, and memories, she’ll be with you in any of your endeavors.
The lessons she imparted, the proof of her life lived on in me, in my every move and deed. I was what she left behind. If I could not be with my mother, I would be her.
