Whose fault was it? His or Hers?
People make it seem like a building of millions of dollars is caused by a natural disaster that we can not control, crumble.
They make it look like a residential area or school full of children has been lit on fire by an irresponsible human being!
“It is unforgivable!”, they would say.
But has anyone ever asked why? Has anyone ever taken the time to ask her why? Does asking why mean we support the act of cheating? Are African people right when they say: “There is no smoke without fire?”
As far as I’m concerned, cheating is unacceptable, be it done by a male or female. It is the same thing. It remains the same act. The effects are the same on everyone because women too have a heart that pumps blood.
When Mark announced his divorce, everyone went silent as if he said that his wife had died. But when he pulled out proof that his wife cheated, everyone's face lit as to say:” Oh, we understand”
And the other women headed to scold Melinda, Mark’s ex. Melinda did not take long and to avoid being continuously shamed, she married the same man she was accused of cheating 6 months after her divorce from Mark.
It didn't take long as well and Mark met Naomi at church. He was justified as Melinda marrying the same man she was accused of cheating with less than a year later confirmed even more that she was really cheating. And even the church was okay with Mark remarrying. Well, Adultery hung on her neck.
This time Mark went for a virgin. She did not know much about relationships and so she was very happy to live by the book. Mark never attempted to touch or kiss her or do anything that will make him look like an unserious Christian.
He was too perfect to be true. So perfect that at times Naomi would ask herself: why would a woman leave a man this good? Was there something she had to pay attention to?
She became restless! Naomi came from a culture that believes that a man is always right no matter what. He is the head of the woman so He can never apologize to a woman. So no matter what happened in marriage, a woman was always supposed to be the one to apologize for peace to reign since, to begin with, a man only reacts based on what a woman does. And don’t forget: a man is never wrong.
But not Mark! He apologized a million times over if he needed to. He was so considerate, It began to look like Naomi had never been loved by anyone before, not even her mom but Mark!
She came to my office and asked me if I knew anything that she was to be worried about. I told her oh no! To be honest, Mark was known by all his entourage to be a very honest and caring human being. It even used to shock me how nice and sacrificial he was. He could cut his body into pieces to make others happy. He was never seen with women and was still a virgin in every way be it kissing or anything by the time he married Melinda.
We suspected that because Melinda had a little foot ahead of him in relationships, that's why he was not enough and she cheated. You could not point a finger at him.
But you see none of us had ever gotten married to him. We only knew what he showed us. He had never followed a woman or asked anyone out. He was just nice to all people. He used to have a female friend for 4 years. He would do all sorts of favors for her, all sorts of sacrifice that was not normal for just a friend to do. She was his classmate. He would inform her of his daily plan as if he owed her an explanation. They used to be seen as a couple on campus where I met him 8 years earlier and we remained friends since but he never asked her out or suggested anything physical. When she saw he was just really a friend, she accepted someone’s proposal and got married.
After her marriage, his aunties began to push the agenda for his marriage and found Belinda for him and he accepted and married her after a year due to the pressures he was receiving for not being married or ever having a girlfriend since he was born.
But after he caught Belinda cheating, he was so unforgiving and humiliating of her. I was his confidant and no amount of talking or begging on Belinda’s behalf or her parents helped. And anyone that tried to interfere immediately became his enemy.
The issue is that Belinda was not really a bad wife. She did what was required and more. We just never understood how she cheated on him. So we were willing to talk him into forgiving her. But he was so unforgiving and bitter. We all thought, well maybe, as they say, ‘it is harder for a man to forgive cheating than it is for a woman’.
But Belinda did try to salvage the situation but he was so unforgiving and became so humiliating of her that for her own good it was best she moved on.
At that time, I didn't understand a lot of things that had to do with marriage myself. I had never been married. I had never experienced a divorce so close. All I knew was that when you get married you must, as a woman, cook, clean and never say no when your husband asks for intimacy and pray for your marriage. And usually, when a marriage ended it was because the woman was not humble enough or prayerful enough or did not offer enough intimacy to her husband. So I was only able to understand the morality of the situation. Nothing more.
And that is why I was confused. Because Belinda prayed, she was a choir leader at church and would sing and jaws drop. She cooked and cleaned, ironed her husband's clothes, and made him breakfasts even before she went to work herself. Honestly, she was a superwoman.
We were raised in communities where you did not have to be a religious person to frown at divorce. Even suckling babies would hear the word divorce and stop breastfeeding and frown to show you how much it was hated. So she begged for forgiveness, her parents begged, we begged and he was set in his mind and fed us with exaggerated accounts of events such that we all hated Belinda, and knowing how nice he was to everyone, we knew, she had to be the wrong one.
So we supported him when he chose Naomi himself and even this time still from pressure. There was never a time he wanted a girlfriend. He was always pushed now that I look back at it.
……………………………………………………………………………… ………>>The story will continue in part 2: Whose fault was it? His or hers? If you are interested in reading further.
>>I want to say a big thank you to Donnette Anglin for checking on me. Even if I was not in a position to respond, I really appreciated it. I felt important, I felt that I matter. I count you as a family even these miles apart. Thanks a million to Carmelita for consistently praising my writing, it is more than a motivation when someone like you finds good in my writing. I promise you, that your words made me believe I can impact someone if you found my work useful. I can only say God bless you.
>>Do check their works, their writings are thought-provoking and life-changing.
