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Coinmonks

8 min readMar 16, 2022

On March 9, 2022, President Joe Biden issued a headline-grabbing executive order related to cryptocurrency and digital assets. In the tradition of government writing, it included a bountiful superfluity of redundant verbiage that led many to question: what does this say? What does it mean? What is Joe really trying to say?

Here’s what it boils down to: Joe wants a lot of different agencies to get ready to start letting him know what they think the deal is with crypto. Once that happens (within 180 days of the order, for the most part), he wants to give it about another year for all that info to percolate. Then he wants some updates. Then, if it’s appropriate, he’s probably going to ask his agencies to make some rules about crypto.

That’s it. That’s the gist of the whole order. It’s an order to start thinking about doing some stuff in order to start thinking about what to do.

But it’s a really long order with lots of paragraphs and subparagraphs and sections and subsections, so maybe that seems like an oversimplification. So, in an effort to be thorough, below is a parallel version of the order that attempts to take out the extra words and just say it in the way Joe meant to say it. One regular Scranton guy to the American people.

If you want to follow along point-by-point to check for accuracy, see the unabridged text at Executive Order on Ensuring Responsible Development of Digital Assets.

Section 1. Policy.

Crypto is big, Joe says. Really big. So big. Everybody’s into it, and it affects literally almost everything from finance to law enforcement to the environment. Is it bad? Is it good? Yes, says Joe.

We want to do good stuff with the good parts, and protect everybody from the bad parts. God bless America.

Section 2. Objectives.

(a) Crypto is weird, says Joe. And complicated. What if somebody gets hacked? That could be pretty bad, Joe says. America should protect Americans from stuff like that.

(b) Crypto companies that issue crypto and let you trade crypto — are they risky? Should they be regulated? Yes, says Joe, I reckon they should.

(c) And what about the criminals? Bad, right? The government needs to protect America from bad stuff, and bad guys, and criminals.

(d) Dollar bills, says Joe. They’re the best. We want them to stay being the best. Dollar bills equal democracy, says Joe. The people with the dollar bills should be the people in charge of the crypto. So let’s be in charge of crypto.

(e) Some people don’t have a whole lot of money, says Joe. Or banks. Let’s make sure they can get in on this crazy stuff.

(f) Not to repeat myself, says Joe, but like I said, crypto is big. It’s wild. It’s about literally almost everything — privacy, finance, weather, whatever. No pollution, can we agree on that?

Section 3. Coordination.

By the way, I’m letting everybody stick a finger in this pie, Joe says. How many agencies do we have that can stick a finger in this pie? Treasury, State, Defense, Labor, Homeland Security, SEC….I can name 24 off the top of my head, says Joe, but in case I left anybody out, let’s just say “other Federal regulatory agencies.” If you’ve got a finger, and you like pie, you can come to the pie finger party.

Section 4. Policy and Actions Related to United States Central Bank Digital Currencies.

(a) Hey, says Joe, we have American bank money, should we have American bank crypto? Here’s what I’m thinking:

i. American money is awesome. So American crypto might be awesome too. Will there be benefits? Will there be risks? Maybe so, let’s put a pin in that.

ii. One thing about American crypto, Joe says, is that it would show how America’s awesome. And democracy and connectivity and platforms and so on, should be appropriate, if appropriate, as appropriate, God bless America.

iii. What if, says Joe, American crypto was cheap to use? Nice, right? Lots of people could use it all over the world. And mix it in with other crypto. Maybe then everybody would have a lot of crypto. And money. I mean, will there be risks? Benefits? Maybe. Like I said before, we’ll check into that.

(b) You know what I’d love, says Joe, is a report. Anybody who stuck a finger in that pie earlier — all those agencies — should write up a crackerjack report. A really good one. Call it THE FUTURE OF MONEY or something? Make it about payment systems. And digital assets — what’s the deal with those? And what about all this technology and computers? Money, America, computers, national security, anything you can think of.

Also tell me this, says Joe:

(i) Will American crypto affect things like the economy?

(ii) Will everybody, even the poor people, get to use crypto? What if they don’t have crypto? Or money?

(iii) What about American crypto and regular crypto? Got anything on that?

(iv) What about the future of what I just said? Will that involve American money and democracy?

(v) What if nobody except America wants regular money anymore? Will that be weird?

(vi) What about criminals doing stuff? Bad stuff, I mean.

(vii) What if other countries’ bank crypto get to be a big deal, what will that do to America, if anything?

(c) I got this buddy, says Joe, the Chairman of the Board — not that one — I mean of the Federal Reserve. He’d be doing me a real solid if he could look into all this. Like what would be the best way to do crypto stuff? Would it be bad or good for all the rest of the money?

(d) Come to think of it, says Joe, my buddy the Chairman, and the Secretary of the Treasury, and the Attorney General, SHALL:

(i) in 180 days, let me know if we need to make any laws about all this stuff.

(ii) And, Joe says, I’ll give those guys an extra 30 days if they’ll look at all the other stuff in everybody else’s report and let me know what laws I should make.

Section 5. Measures to Protect Consumers, Investors, and Businesses.

(a) I don’t know if I covered this, Joe says, but there could be things like crime and people losing money.

(b) So:

(i) I want another report in 180 days, Joe says, and I want it to say the same thing as all the other ones, but also say something about crime. And tell me this, says Joe: how exactly can I make American crypto without getting in any trouble?

(ii) And I also want another report in 180 days about computers, says Joe.

(iii) And I also want another report in 180 days about, like I said, crime and criminals and bad guys. You can’t have too many reports about bad guys.

(iv) And please, says Joe, let’s think about how this will make us more or less competitive.

(v) Also, what about privacy and protecting consumers?

(vi) All you agencies standing around poking this pie — how can you guys protect people from the bad stuff I’ve been talking about?

(vii) Also, says Joe, I want another 180 day report on blockchain and the environment. Good? Bad? Medium? Medium good or medium bad?

(A) Wait, says Joe, brainstorming here: can we use blockchain to fix the environment??? Did I just invent that?

(B) Wait, is this gonna mess up our energy supply?

(viii) Anyways, says Joe, once you give me that 180 day report, let’s wait a year and then give me a newer report with any appropriate updates, if appropriate, as appropriate.

Section 6. Actions to Promote Financial Stability, Mitigate Systemic Risk, and Strengthen Market Integrity.

(a) I don’t know if I mentioned this, says Joe, but let’s think about the risks here and think about making some rules about them.

(b) As long as we’re on the topic, says Joe, let me get another report in 210 days talking about all the other reports. Do we need to make some rules?

Section 7. Actions to Limit Illicit Finance and Associated National Security Risks.

(a) I might have mentioned, says Joe in a serious way, how there are probably criminals out there. Fancy ones. Doing fancy crimes with crypto.

(b) I can’t remember if I already assigned this to somebody, Joe says, but how about 90 days after somebody gives me a report about terrorism, also give me another report about how some of these fancy crypto bad guys might use crypto to do fancy stuff in a bad way. As in crimes.

(d) Anyway, Joe says, after all these reports are in, lets take another 120 days to make sure everybody tells me about any rules anybody is thinking about making.

Section 8. Policy and Actions Related to Fostering International Cooperation and United States Competitiveness.

(a) Let’s not fight, Joe says. Let’s cooperate with other countries.

(i) Hey, says Joe, let’s help each other get those bad guys!

(ii) But let’s not forget, says Joe, to keep doing the stuff we’re already doing to catch the bad guys!

(iii) Like the G7 said, let’s do all this stuff in a good way that’s good for good people, says Joe.

(iv) The G20 came up with a good roadmap about cross-border funds transfers, and I like it, says Joe. Everybody who’s working internationally on that should keep it up and make sure we address all parts of everything.

(v) This is a big priority, says Joe. We’ll talk about it A LOT with people all around the world. Democracy. Connectivity. Consumer protection. All that.

(b) And here, says Joe, is how we make it happen:

(i) I’ll give you 120 days, Joe says, to build a framework. A framework for engaging. In what? I’ll tell you what, says Joe: engaging in international engagement with internationals. Engaging in making awesome rules about how to make efforts to keep doing awesome things with crypto and crypto regulations.

(ii) A year after you build that framework, says Joe, guess what I want? A report. A report about, you know, what did you guys do in the framework? Was it good?

(iii) Actually, says Joe, I also want another framework, but you can take 180 days to build this one because it’s going to enhance American competitiveness and digital asset technologies.

(iv) Also, I might have mentioned about the bad guys, says Joe. Let’s get a 90 day report about how to find and catch the bad guys.

Thanks,

Joe Biden.

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Written by J. Caruso