HOT TAKE: Stay away from boneless wings

By Tyler Mulberry

If you go to Buffalo Wild Wings and order the boneless wings, you should know that you might as well be ordering off the kid’s menu. Before continuing, I will say that I am a staunch boneless wings supporter. Some say this makes me immature. Some say this makes me logical. I would say it makes me both.

Everyone knows chicken fingers, and most kids love them. In fact, according to studies, chicken fingers are far and away the most popular kid’s menu item– they are over twice as popular as hamburgers, and almost five times as popular as mac & cheese. The New York Post recently published a study that found that the average American adult eats 290 chicken wings per year, while the majority (54%) prefers bone-in over boneless (though, I am sure most people would eat boneless wings if they were the only option). This begs the question: why would people rather work harder for less chicken?

On paper, traditional wings are messier, contain less meat, and are overall simply harder to eat. Nonetheless, Americans seem to love the camaraderie that comes with traditional wings. However, to throw some econometric jargon into play, I feel that there is a major bias in this study: the data was obtained from Moore’s Marinade & Sauces, whose following might not be consistent with the rest of America (think baby boomers vs. millennials).

I think that forward-thinking America realizes the advantages of boneless wings, a.k.a. chicken fingers, and are straying away from the gritty “get your hands dirty” attitude of our ancestors. If you are a traditional wing purist, I would love to know why you are making your life difficult. Also, two-piece wings are way better than drumsticks. However, Team Boneless needs to realize that

boneless wings are glorified chicken fingers.

You may think you’re growing up because you ordered a tall Blue Moon with your wings, but you may as well have ordered off the kid’s menu and gotten a Shirley Temple. If you, like myself, are a boneless wing truther, but are in denial that you too are not yet grown-up, you need to face the facts. You are a kid, just like the rest of under-14 America who gets dino chicken nuggets for dinner. It’s time to be an adult and leave bone-in your chicken.