The Indoctrination of the White Christian Male
An anonymous story from a graduate of Lighthouse Christian School in Twin Falls, Idaho
I did not attend CVCS. I did attend Lighthouse Christian School in Twin Falls, Idaho.
I am a living paradigm of the white, male, upper-middle class privilege. I am where I am in life because of these socioeconomic circumstances. These labels will define my actions for the rest of my existence and shape the lens of how my community views my actions.
I was a Lighthouse Christian transplant. Up to my junior year of high school, I was enrolled in the public education system in Twin Falls. I transferred to Lighthouse my junior year because I got caught drinking, smoking cigarettes, and doing drugs. I am a white male from a moderately wealthy family, therefore was never arrested.
At the time of my transfer to Lighthouse, I agreed with my parents on the decision. I was in over my head and saw this as my escape. My parents are extremely conservative and religious. They were not prepared for a son who wasn’t growing up into the kind of person they wanted him to be and saw Lighthouse as a way to bring him back to the light. Unfortunately, Lighthouse was one of the worst educational institutions in the state during my time of enrollment. I am unsure if this is still the case.
Not everything at Lighthouse was a negative. I created lifelong friends and generated some beautiful memories. What was negative? I was indoctrinated to be something that I can no longer be. My actions and beliefs haunt me and continually twist like a knife in my spine. I feel despair, hopelessness, lack of belonging, and guilt daily.
My upbringing is a slow poison that continues to drain my virtue.
Education
I learned minimal information during my two years at Lighthouse. I know that for one portion of my graduating class this is also accurate, but for another portion this is incorrect. This high school did nothing to prepare me for the rigorous studies of college. This lack of preparedness, however, was not entirely the fault of the school. My actions did affect my outcome, but the teaching curriculum was extremely below average academic standards.
These standards were exasperated by lack of homework, teachers controlling students, students not being held accountable for their actions, and parents not taking the academic integrity of the school seriously. The male students at Lighthouse were allowed an uncanny amount of aggressive bravado.
I still succeeded because my white privilege allowed me the economic opportunity to fail and start again.
The curriculum at Lighthouse was very traditional for private Christian schools. Chemistry was the best taught class. Math was also encouraged and most of my graduating class reached Calculus level mathematics. Creationism was ingrained in all our science classes. Darwin was discussed but not promoted; it was skimmed over.
History was not History. Nothing was taught during history, ever.
We started every class with an episode of Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, or Bill O’Reilly. History should have been named “Indoctrination into Conservative Politics.” When I graduated from high school, Rush Limbaugh was my hero. I came home to parents who had the same thoughts, which we discussed at great lengths at dinner.
This method of indoctrination worked. I believed what I was learning. English has always been my favorite subject and it was complete chaos. The female teacher was constantly berated by the male students. It pains me to think how we treated her. Still, most of the students left Lighthouse without knowing simple parts of the English Language.
This Christian school was founded on God and Jesus, but instead created an overtly privileged male who had been granted the power to dispose and destroy those who were different.
Football
Football was God, God was football.
Football players got out of school ninety minutes earlier than everyone else so that they could work out or practice. Every male who played football was highly exalted. Those who didn’t participate were cast out. I played football and I hated it. The man who ran the football program (he no longer works for the school) promoted a vile egotism into each of the players.
When sexual assault occurred to a male on the football team, nothing was done. I no longer attended the school during the incident but knowing the parents, they probably didn’t want to destroy their church’s reputation and chose not to press charges. There was a one game suspension give to offenders; this is hardly justice. When you’re white and male you are allowed room for error in these circumstances.
Race
There were few attendees of a different ethnicity. This is Idaho, the demographics of the state are extremely white and so are the schools. Racism in Idaho is extremely prevalent, but not relevant.
At Lighthouse the “N word” was used constantly. Teachers never corrected students, and students never corrected each other.
Other racial slurs were used just as much. These slurs came in jokes, in real ways to describe someone, or in attempts to be offensive. There should be no room for tolerance in the usage of these words, but there was.
Homosexuals were often attacked as well. The church made sure to indoctrinate anti-homosexual literature and beliefs. Girls were constantly made fun of for their beliefs, clothing, sexual activity (lack or abundance of), and general sexuality. You did not want to be unattractive female at Lighthouse Christian because you were ridiculed. Individuals with disabilities were also the blunt of jokes and humor. This is an extremely sad moment of realization for me.
I was a part of all this. I did nothing to stop it, I promoted it, engaged in it. I was the problem.
Hitler
How does Hitler fit into a Christian High School? Easily, he is the pinnacle of power and destruction. Multiple males promoted his ideology. I did as well.
The idea of lesser human beings, races, and religions was something that I concretely believed when I graduated. It was an easy connection to make while reading Mein Kampf during my junior year. The talking conservative heads promoted the idea at a base level. The male students got to do whatever their heart desired at the dispense of others. Christianity was the only truth I understood, and I had a zealous passion to eliminate those who did not concur.
During school hours, we went out to surrounding neighborhoods to hand out anti-Mormonism literature. The Lighthouse Church and school held rallies to protest the new Mormon temple in town. We were taught how to fight against Mormonism and eradicate it. Hitlerism. I came out of high school with an extreme bias to all other religions besides Christianity. Lighthouse did not promote Hitler, I want to make that clear, but the students at the ground level were.
God
How did God fit into all this? For the males he didn’t really.
God fit in when we needed a prop to boost the male superiority in this environment.
We were becoming Godly men. Men who had authority over women. Men who had the ability to achieve and take what their heart desired. Men that played football and deserved worshipping. Men who owned respect and were enraged when it was not granted. Men. Men… Men…?
I Cannot Erase It
This is my upbringing. It does not define me. This is my upbringing. It does not define me. Except it does.
I do not believe any of these ideas any longer. They follow me like a ghost through the garden. There was a point when I believed the definition of myself had changed. It did not eradicate my past. I sometimes believe that I can conquer my faults. I can’t.
The foundation was built on solid rock and every time I try to move the house it crumbles. I can say I don’t believe any of these things any longer. I can say that I am a changed man, that things are different. I can become something entirely else. The pain that I have spread is a wound that I cannot heal.
I am guilty of intentionally hurting human beings at the propitiation of my ego.
There is not a day where I don’t regret my past actions. I’m constantly in despair about how I affected the lives of other. This is not about me though. To those who were hurt and scarred from me and this culture, I hope you can recover. I hope that you were able to rise above this hate. If you cannot, I hope that this culture doesn’t continue to hinder you. I hope that you are alive. I hope things can be different. Maybe I lack the mental fortitude to escape these thoughts. I hope your fortitude is stronger than mine. Maybe I must admit that I am not strong enough to accomplish this on my own. I hope that your community has room for healing and growth.
Maybe I still need God, maybe I don’t. I hope that if God does exist, he is completely different from the one I knew. At the end of this life I want to be respectful to others, I want to have empathy, I want to have an open mind, I want, I want, I want.
I am a White Male from the upper- middle class, I want, I have, I take, I need, I own, I steal, I judge, I condemn, I save, this is what my upbringing has made me to be.
